


Burn Down Borders

by mrtvejpes



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Bottom Shin Hoseok | Wonho, Hyunwoo Thirst Fest, Kiho at a Rock Festival, Love at First Sight, M/M, There Is Deep Talk Before There Is Deep Throat (by Fall Out Boy lmao), Top Yoo Kihyun, cringefest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-28
Updated: 2018-05-28
Packaged: 2019-05-14 19:59:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 28,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14776289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrtvejpes/pseuds/mrtvejpes
Summary: And then the love of his life squatted next to him, handing him a bottle of water.Hoseok stared at him. The love of his life stared back.“You're the love of my life,” said Hoseok as he took the offered bottle.“You're drunk,” said the man.“Very,” said Hoseok gravely.





	Burn Down Borders

**Author's Note:**

> If you're new here, please prepare for the general silliness. But it gets semi-deep along the way.

They got off the train. The ride had taken four endless hours, leaving them both sore and sweaty. As soon as Hoseok's feet touched the sizzling ground between the rails, he breathed in. The air was condensed with the promise of a storm and humid to the point of drowning him as it flowed through his teeth. He mapped the train station with a brief glance.

“It's as dark here as inside a butthole at midnight,” said Changkyun.

“So, as dark as your chances of sounding Tumblr-poetic?”

Finally, Hoseok breathed out. He rubbed his shoulders, hot from the sun and already sensitive to the cutting pull of the strings of his rucksack. His skin was getting damp under the leather strap.

They trudged on in the sunlight and, being the only two white spots within the mob clothed in black, they looked like tiny lighthouses. As far as Hoseok could see, there were people – masses of them. Crawling. Laughing. Dressed in black and leather and lace. He saw young girls and boys sporting tees of their favourite bands; bearded beer drinkers with an impressive keg-to-man ratio and slightly less impressive bellies; a group of women in corsets, with plum-coloured lips and lovely parasols in lace-gloved hands. They wore steel boots and chains.

“Glad we're dressed for the occasion,” Changkyun piped up, huffy in his pastel shirt.

“Yeah, well, at least we're not boiling alive.”

“ _I_ am.”

Hoseok decided to let the boy be punny. Still, after a few more steps, he pointed to a cluster of Goths, preaching to Changkyun: “Imagine wearing a coat in this furnace, tough.”

“I'd rather die, thanks.”

Hoseok looked around, picking up a faint melody of a death metal ballad in the process.

“Topical.”

“Tropical, more like it.”

Well, Hoseok would not be swayed by Changkyun's grumpiness. Although the trip had been tiring, the destination was worth it. There was nothing that could ruin his mood at his moment; nothing that could blunt the sharpness, the novelty of the experience. He all but shimmered with anticipation and hunger; bodily hunger but also the other kind. He could not get enough of the musk of the sweltering day and the ever-present tinge of metal in the air. In the distance, he could still hear the rumble of arriving and departing trains; could almost feel the sizzle of the sun-soaked rails again. Hoseok felt so utterly surrounded by life that a part of him regretted not listening to Changkyun sooner and not getting dragged to a hard rock festival with the kid the year before.

They made their way through the swarm of bodies, heading for the tent city. Hoseok kept smiling wider and wider as they neared the place, only half-oblivious to the smiles that sparked on strangers' faces in response.

The road to the tent city was all grit, framed with two neat strings of rubbish alongside it. Further on, a rusty lawn breathed hot and dry, trampled down to the ground. There were cars and trailers everywhere, too, indicating that they were going in the right direction. And then, finally, Hoseok noticed the long wire fence which separated the broke from the lucky owners of a driver's licence and an AC.

Behind and below the tent city, there was a dense pine forest. It loomed into the horizon, poking at the sun, offering a strip of shadow to the early risers who had already pitched up their tents and now lazed around, waiting for the cool of the evening. Hoseok heard Changkyun's exaggerated sigh, but it just made him grin. To Hoseok, they were both at the end of their journey and also at the very beginning of it.

Suddenly, the rucksack and the sleeping roll tucked under his arm weighed nothing. He turned around to grab Changkyun's baggage as well, hopping over haphazardly strewn belongings and tent ropes, almost running to find a spot to set up the tent for the night. It was Changkyun who planned the trip and basically blackmailed Hoseok to go, but Hoseok was the happier of them right now.

An empty strip of greenish grass blinked at him from between two bigger tents. It was narrow, but it would do. He dropped the things down and, after making sure there were no shards of glass lying around, he kicked off his shoes as well. Once barefoot, Hoseok felt fresh again. He wasted no time unpacking the tent.

Changkyun, who was all thumbs, plopped down and pretended to help by passing the old-fashioned poles and pegs to Hoseok. In reality, he was eyeing their surroundings, something akin to ease if not peace settling into his features.

Every now and then, a stray camper or two trailed by, saying their hellos. Some of them even stopped to admire Hoseok's handiwork, but no one stayed in the blazing sun for too long.

The A-shaped tent fit into the narrow spot in the end, though it was a close shave. Its back was pressed right against the wire fence. And, as Changkyun pointed out, at night they would enjoy their neighbours' presence first-hand with the other two abodes being squished so snugly against theirs.

Hoseok straightened up and patted his brow with the back of his hand. He looked at Changkyun.

Changkyun looked at him.

And then, out of nowhere, Changkyun announced: “I need to pee.”

“Right. But have you seen the restroom lines?”

By calling the shack consisting of three semi-private cubicles a “restroom,” Hoseok was being very generous.

“But –”

“Same goes for the showers.”

“But I gotta.”

Hoseok paused.

“Great. Now I gotta go, too,” he said, a little grim.

“I mean, there's always the forest.”

“You absolute animal. Let's go.”

They secured their things inside the tent before sneakily setting off in the direction of the nearby forest. As they ventured into the trees, they promptly realized they were not the first ones to desecrate the shrubs around them. And it was not just rusting blackberry bushes that revealed the presence of people.

They better grab a flashlight if they decide to return at night.

 

~

 

Hoseok was sweating profusely even under the awning. Changkyun was no better off. Sipping at currant juice laced with just a little bit of vodka to make the sweetness bearable in this weather, Hoseok's hands were slippery, the side of the glass dewy. The sparse ice cubes had melted already. Sitting at the very end of the long bench, Hoseok could feel the sunshine spilling over his back, soaking the white fabric of his tee.

Changkyun was leafing through the concert schedule, drinking steadily through a straw as his eyes never left the leaflet. Hoseok used his to fan himself.

Nature, people, music, it was all abuzz. It was pleasant, in a way, never silent but calm. His last summer before he signs the contract to forever become a backup dancer, not the performer. He smiled a little. It was good. It was still good.

When his hands turned a tad too light and his temples a tad too tense, he pushed away the laced juice. The aftertaste of vodka burned on his tongue and the roof of his mouth.

He waved at the waiter and asked for a jug of water, praying for a little more than two disappearing ice cubes this time. He leaned heavier into the table, the wood emitting a noticeable heat into his forearms. For a second or two, the world seemed weightless, but Hoseok was quick to shake the feeling. He could hold his liquor; only the swelter made it more difficult to cope, well, with everything. Even with existing.

“This is the pits.” Changkyun flipped a page. “I mean, I don't even know these bands.”

Hoseok looked over his shoulder with some interest, scanning over the names. Yeah, he did not know any of the bands scheduled for today, either.

“The festival's just started. Half of the people aren't even here yet. They can't exactly have Seo Taiji play today.”

“But they could've thrown in some CNBLUE.”

“Well, what's not to like about,” he peered closer, “New York Bamboo Flavour?”

“Sounds like a soup.”

“Or Raging Butt Plugs.”

“More up your alley, isn't it. Or generally up yours.”

“I will sit you on the train and send you home, I swear.”

“I like you better when you drink and whine with me.”

“Can't do. Promised to look after you.”

“Yeah, right.”

It was Changkyun who looked after him when Hoseok ordered one more juice with vodka. Oh, he was sure there were more than one after that, he just didn't remember ordering them.

The world was hazy, and he laughed, throwing his head back. He hadn't laughed like this in ages. Everything and everyone was blurred, like a sped-up ballet routine. It was still light – too light, the whiteness of the sky hurting his eyes as he craned his neck to look up. But according to Changkyun, who groaned under Hoseok's weight, he'd been out of it for the past two hours or so.

“This is the pits,” hissed Changkyun, strangled, as he tried to carry his hyung, or at least keep him standing on his feet. Hoseok's dead, heavy arm hung around his shoulders, pulling him down. “I am leaving you in a ditch.”

Hoseok tripped over a tent rope, laughing some more. The world was spinning, unravelling from within his chest and orbiting around him in closer and closer curls, like snug smoke. Flowers turned into brushstrokes, tents into wide colourful lakes. Everything was so _big_ and merged within one great rotation, breathing, moving.

The air was just as humid as it was before, only chillier. It did wonders to his pulsing temples.

Honestly, he didn't even feel that bad. Until he did.

Changkyun barely managed to jump aside before Hoseok doubled over and emptied his stomach right in front of the entrance to their tent.

“I'm so done with you,” whispered Changkyun, worn out, but he patted Hoseok's back nevertheless. He dragged his palm over Hoseok's neck and shoulders to soothe him when he heard more heaving. Hoseok coughed, groaning. Then proceeded to vomit some more, now squatting down.

“What the _fuck_?” was heard roughly at the same time as: “Do you guys need some help?”

Changkyun turned to see three strangers leaning into the fence, two of them pressed close to it, fingers latched through the slanted holes.

“I – no, it's okay –“ There were more retching sounds. “...I honestly don't know.”

“Are you guys both pissed?” the smaller one asked.

“No, I'm just pissy,” grumbled Changkyun.

“Is he alright? How much did he drink?”

“I stopped counting.”

For a solid minute, Hoseok could not register the conversation as anything else but a soft hum. When he looked up, his face snotty and eyes teary, he felt nothing of that sickness that had come over him a while ago. He felt betrayed by his body for interrupting his happy haze, but the accompanying nausea had yet to hit him properly.

So, when he saw the faces of the strangers peering at him from behind the fence, he lit up, still shielded by his drunkenness.

“Hello!”

He burped a little.

“Oh my god,” said the blond blur.

“Are you okay?”

Hoseok tried to focus on the smaller blur now. Tried really hard. He stood up, wonky on his feet, swaying in a beat that wasn't there. The smaller blur met his eyes.

Hoseok hiccuped.

“I know I am okay, but do you know you are cute?”

“Oh my god,” said Changkyun.

The strangers shared a look. The man on whom Hoseok's whole existence was fixed pulled away from the fence and took a step back.

“Nooo!” Hoseok wailed, soft and long. “Come back.”

“He's wasted.” The blond blur sounded cheerful.

“Do you need some help with him?” the love of Hoseok's life asked, directing his question at Changkyun.

“I – yes. I need all the help in the world.”

“Alright, wait there.” He paused. “Hold him, I guess.”

Somehow, as the tiny stranger walked away, Hoseok's vodka-infused heart dropped.

“Don't go,” he offered, bringing his body towards the fence. Or, that was what he tried to do. He failed miserably, seeing that there was the tent in the way, not to mentioned that Changkyun's arms grabbed his waist as to stop him from godzilla-running through their abode. The boy did not budge although he had no strength compared to Hoseok.

“You're going to trample the tent!”

“Lemme go. I need him back!”

“You need a cold fucking shower.”

“No,” Hoseok hiccupped, “I'm pretty sure I just need him.”

Still, he went pliant in Changkyun's grasp. He felt a little fussy and very much let down at the same time. The stranger was gone and his two blurry friends followed the suit. They were alone again and Hoseok's world spinned a little as he realized this.

And then the love of his life squatted next to him, handing him a bottle of water.

Hoseok stared at him. The love of his life stared back.

“You're the love of my life,” said Hoseok as he took the offered bottle.

“You're drunk,” said the man.

“Very,” said Hoseok gravely.

“Let's take him to our trailer so he can lie down for a bit,” someone suggested. “It's cooler there.”

“You okay with that?” the literal, actual love of Hoseok's life asked Changkyun, as if the boy was his caretaker.

Well, he kind of was now, Hoseok supposed.

“Take him, sell his organs on a black market. I don't fucking care,” said Changkyun.

Yet he sauntered after the trio of strangers all the same, helping to hold Hoseok up and generally checking up on him. Whenever Hoseok would try to run or dance or both, all four of them were needed to keep him in place. He kept falling down, too. The small guy led the way as the others navigated Hoseok through the camp. The hundred meters journey around the fencing took forever, and it definitely shaved off a few years of Changkyun's lifespan.

Hoseok was bubbly again. He hadn't really registered when he had happened to lay down inside a stuffy but cosy caravan, but here he was, the AC aimed in his direction and caressing his warm face. Through half-lidded eyes, he watched the close walls move even though he was still. Everything around him was bluish; from the wall paint to a couple of empty mugs on the floor to a wispy curtain shading the slit of a window, deepening the cool hue of the room.

Breathing in and out, Hoseok could sense his heartbeat all the way up in his throat and head. His head was starting to throb, too.

“Has he eaten anything?” was heard faintly from the outside.

“Not since the snack on a train.”

“It's six in the afternoon.”

“Yep.”

“Seriously, how much did he drink?”

“Must've been a lot since his beer goggles made him fancy Kihyun.”

“Sod off, Minhyuk.”

All of a sudden, Hoseok made a noise in his throat, sitting up so quickly that he saw black for a split second. With all his might, he scrambled to his feet, jumping out over the stepladder. He then literally barreled through the small congregation in front of the trailer and ran past a table and a cushy set of chairs, his limbs shaky.

He heaved.

“Poor fucker.”

At last, Hoseok's decisions came to bite him in the ass.

When his stomach was finally empty, Hoseok tried to spit out the aftertaste, but to no avail. His body became leaden enough to be carefully placed into one of the chairs by Changkyun. Without protests, he let his head drop back, breathing heavily and sour. Feebly, he thanked Changkyun. The boy just grimaced at him.

He felt sick. He decided to tell everyone how sick he felt. He decided that Kihyun in particular must know in how much pain he was, and he searched for the man, grasping at the air until he clasped Kihyun's hand in his.

“I feel really, really sick,” he told him confidentially. “I feel really bad.”

“You look really bad, too.”

“That's okay. You look good for the both of us.”

Hoseok's voice was mushy and a little strained. His lips tasted of salt and acid and he was grateful to realize someone was trying to clean his face with a tissue. He must've looked grubby, not to mention he was an ugly crier, and for the first time Hoseok had to fight a tinge of embarrassment.

While Kihyun was tending to him, the other two guys brought more water and a wet towel, the latter of which was unceremoniously plastered onto Hoseok's forehead. He groaned and squeezed Kihyun's hand tighter. Both of his palms were sweaty already, but Kihyun was letting Hoseok hold on to him despite that.

All the while, Changkyun was getting chummy with a certain Hyungwon and a certain Minhyuk. The little pest seemed to be on a first-name basis with both of them already.

“Here. You're all set,” announced Kihyun, his brows furrowed as he primly folded the tissue and continued to wipe at the corners of Hoseok's eyes nevertheless to dry them.

Thanks to that, Hoseok's vision got significantly less cloudy.

“You are so damn pretty.”

“I know,” said Kihyun, deadpan. “You told me already.”

“But you're also, like, a cute daddy. A tiny daddy.”

“No.”

“Yesss.” Hoseok didn't know where that thought came from, though he was happy with his conclusion. There was a mirthful laughter from Minhyuk and a groan from Changkyun. But Hoseok would not be swayed. Looking up with a big, harmless smile on his face, Hoseok pulled Kihyun closer. “Sit on my lap, daddy.”

This time, Kihyun didn't respond. He just gave him a look which was somewhere between mildly shocked and utterly pissed.

“Oh no, dad's angry,” piped up Minhyuk.

“He's not _angry_ , he's just _disappointed_ ,” said Hyungwon.

“I will make you suffer,” Kihyun told his friends, “and will make _you_ some hangover soup,” he turned to Hoseok, finally freeing his hand from him.

“Would you?”

“Of course he would,” said Minhyuk. “What are dads for?”

 

~

 

So he made the soup, and Hoseok ate it, and his lightheadedness gradually went away although his nausea stayed an aching sting in his stomach, reminding him of his silliness. The haze veil of vodka eventually lifted from his brain. Knowing he would probably never live this incident down, not as long as Changkyun and him remained friends, Hoseok blanched.

Instead of looking the people who were fussing over him in the eyes, he decided to take a nap, which turned into a series of naps with Hoseok never knowing when and where he would wake up next. The thing was, Hoseok was a clingy drunk, and though he did not exactly remember following Kihyun around in between his short fits of sleep, he apparently had.

By dusk, he woke up for good, sobered up and longing for that alcoholic fog to enwrap him once more so he could forget how cringy he had been.

“You good?” Kihyun asked, his lids half-closed, but his look sharp.

Hoseok shifted, hearing the softest rustle of fabric. He was covered by a fluffy flannel jacket which was warm enough to keep him cosy, but far too small to fit him.

“Is this yours?” he uttered, touching the fabric.

“Yes.”

“Smells nice.”

“I see you are still drunk.”

Hoseok didn't say anything. The recollection of his abysmal flirting came crashing hard at him, making him exhale through his nose and tense up all over.

He called the guy _daddy_.

He considered not breathing in again, ever. He would just suffocate in peace, erasing his legacy from the face of the planet Earth.

From the corner of his eye, he could see Changkyun and his new friends crouched around a portable stove. They were giving him glances as if he were an unpredictable animal waiting to strike and do more mischief.

Which, judging from their worn and wary expressions, may have been exactly what an inebriated Hoseok was like.

“No, I'm not drunk anymore,” he said at last, taking pity on the jumpy guys.

“For fuck's sake, hyung, and you were supposed to take care of me.”

“Sorry, kid,” said Hoseok, rubbing his whole face.

“Wait, you guys are not the same age?” inquired Minhyuk.

“He's three years older than me,” said Changkyun, glad to voice his general grumpiness and a sense of unfairness he undoubtedly felt. _And this is what I have to deal with_ , his tone seemed to suggest.

Kihyun looked straight at Hoseok, taken aback. “How old are you?”

“Twenty two...”

“There is _no_ way _you_ are nineteen,” said Minhyuk to Changkyun.

“What, you're going to roast me? Not him?”

“There is just no way,” bickered Minhyuk. “You have, like, the face of a father of three.”

“Can we not talk about dads,” Hoseok groaned from under his hands.

“I look like this,” Changkyun gestured to his face, “because I have to deal with this,” he gestured to Hoseok.

“Now that was just mean,” said Hoseok weakly.

“Tough shit.”

“Well, you're adopted.”

“I'm not even _adopted_ , your mum just married my dad,” retaliated Changkyun.

“No dads!”

“It's okay, baby,” said Kihyun, his features stony and serious before they broke into the sweetest, scrunchiest grin. Everyone erupted.

Hoseok was going to _die_.

The sky turned plum-coloured while he had been asleep, clouds gathering in heavy heaps at the horizon. The Jeju air was still hot and humid, though. It was going to rain. Hoseok wanted to point that out, make some excuse as to leave, and then avoid human contact for the rest of the festival.

He reconsidered his plans when Hyungwon announced the coffee was ready and Kihyun went to grab some cups. In a moment, he was back. He handed him a cup.

“Here.”

“Look, I...” Well, it's not like Hoseok had anything to say for himself, really. He wanted to say sorry, wanted to say it so much, but there were the others, snooping, and he wouldn't know where to start, anyway.

“Just drink it.”

Although he looked like a snappish person, Kihyun seemed amused, too. It didn't show in his voice or the blank of his face; it was more so in the way he handled Hoseok after all that had happened.

Handled him as if he weren't as embarrassing as he felt.

He just let the whole thing go.

Which, in a way, was a pity.

Hoseok took a sip of his coffee. About that time, the sky roared with thunder.

If he were lucky, a lightning might struck him and kill him dead.

“If you are lucky, a lightning might struck you and kill you dead,” said Changkyun under his breath.

Hoseok gave him a look. Then he turned to check their tent, which was sitting miserably in between two bigger abodes, abandoned and colourless. He wanted nothing more from life than to crawl in and never reappear.

What a mean coincidence, he thought, that the tent and the trailer were standing so close, only separated by a gnarly fence. The nearest passageway lay about fifty metres to the left, Hoseok found out as he searched for an escape route.

He heard another roar of thunder. And then the rain begun.

It was warm but heavy. Hoseok watched the first few raindrops fall into his cup, then he looked up.

The other guys were already on their feet. Minhyuk was scurrying towards the trailer, shielding his head with one of the cushy seats. Kihyun followed, glancing over his shoulder.

“Well? Come on in.”

“No – we –“

Hoseok didn't quite finish before Changkyun disappeared inside the trailer, shoes and all.

“We better go,” he offered again, still sitting in the rain.

“Don't be ridiculous. It's a little too late to think about imposing on us, isn't it?” Kihyun asked, though it wasn't really a question. He climbed inside before calling out to him: “Take the chair with you.”

Hyungwon was the last to wait for him to move. Slowly, although unintentionally so, Hoseok got up, crushing the flannel jacket that had been covering him in one hand as he picked up the remaining chair with the other. Hyungwon then carried the fold-up table inside, ushering Hoseok in front of him.

Hoseok went in.

The rain clung to him, weighing his clothes down. It was quickly getting colder, too, and he shivered.

For one person, and even for three, the room was spacious enough. If it didn't exactly offer privacy, it offered comfort. For five people, the fit was considerably tighter.

They settled down in a circle, some sitting on a low couch, some on flat pillows strewn on the ground. The AC was still running, making the stagnant air move. Soon, the room smelled of rain and bodies and coffee, and Hoseok could pick up a faint scent of tin, too.

“How did you even get a trailer?” asked Changkyun, nestled on the ground.

“It's my brother's,” said Kihyun, picking up a spot across from Hoseok to put some space between them. “He's stingy, but he lets us borrow it every summer.”

“So you've been here before?” Changkyun perked up.

“This is our third time,” said Minhyuk.

“Wow, hyung...”

Changkyun was gone, then. There would be no getting his respect back, Hoseok thought, as long as he had other hyungs to give starry-eyed stares to.

Not that he'd ever looked up to Hoseok like this. He was a little shit.

A little shit who nevertheless leaned towards Hoseok to blanket him in Kihyun's jacket once more. Hoseok said a quiet thanks and cuddled himself.

He talked very little, too mortified to speak. As the downpour got louder and louder, Hoseok felt less ashamed, but the patter of rain did not calm him much. Instead, it woke in him a deep sense of unease. He was a stranger here, imposing on another stranger's goodness, creeping into his personal space. For god's sake, he had touched the guy. Drunk talk was one thing – undoubtedly, it had made Kihyun uncomfortable, coming from another man. But Hoseok had touched him, not once, not twice; he had been pawing at him the whole time.

And he was strong, leaving Kihyun little to no room to avoid his advances.

His shame turned into guilt, his guilt into hurt.

It didn't make much sense to be hurt by his own behaviour, but here he was, hurt and petty and very much ready to run.

“So how much _did_ you drink?” Minhyuk's voice cut through Hoseok's self-pitying epiphany.

He shrugged.

“More importantly, what did you drink?”

“Juice with vodka,” snitched Changkyun.

“What? And that got you this wasted?” Minhyuk was all joy again. “What a wuss.”

“It was warm, okay? It got into my head,” he told them, hushed.

“I take it that you don't normally hit on guys when you're pissed?”

“Well, I usually hit on guys who want me back,” he retorted, grasping for confidence. Oh, there was a lot of it; but now it was buried under a Taj Mahal-sized layer of concrete.

“Sounds fun.”

“It is.”

Some of the strain vanished from the conversation.

The topic of Hoseok's foolishness was dropped after this, which was a welcome change. Listening to the sharp rainfall outside, he only half-heard the guys' recollections of their previous years at the festival. Apparently, they had come the first time to see the Royal Pirates, but they stayed for Drug Restaurant. Hyungwon, surprisingly, had been the instigator of their first trip. That explained his Vassline hoodie. His mellow looks did not give away his taste in music, that was for sure; and when Changkyun pressed this, Hyungwon simply said: “I like that they scream all the time. It's a whole mood.”

Being his chatty self, Minhyuk started talking over everyone, making Hyungwon recall this story and that, leaving a lot of them unfinished as he rushed to share another one, but somehow it was still funny. He had a sleeve full of anecdotes.

Well, none topped this one, Hoseok was sure.

In what seemed like an eternity and barely a minute, the rain grew softer and softer until it was nothing but a whisper.

On Minhyuk's insistence, Hoseok and Changkyun stayed where they were until it was almost midnight.

Lights were lit. Outside, the lamps scattered around the busiest spots shone orange. When they got up to leave and opened the door, the darkness pushed at them, trembling and gummy, and the air chilled them to the bone. Hoseok was yet again glad for the extra layer that Kihyun's flannel provided. He breathed in, smelling grass and earth.

Saying goodbyes to the guys, Hoseok and Changkyun set off alongside the fence. They were only accompanied by Kihyun. Hoseok slowed down, allowing some distance between them and Changkyun. It was very dark, very eerie, the night resounding with people's shouts and laughter. No bands were playing, not anymore, which was likely because of the weather.

He handed the jacket to Kihyun in silence.

“Look.” He thought hard, still not finding the right words. “I'm sorry about it. All of it.”

“You better be.”

Hoseok's hopes dropped.

It wasn't that Kihyun sounded harsh; it was just that Hoseok truly was a wuss.

“So. Bye?” said Hoseok.

“Yeah. Bye.” There was a moment, and then Kihyun waved awkwardly as some of the tension finally got to him.

Hoseok smiled a bit, that being his only defence, and trailed after Changkyun.

The conversation inside the tent was something he would have gladly avoided.

“So. You're into dads.”

“Oh, stuff it.”

“I should've known. You always act like a baby.”

“I'm not into _dads_!” Hoseok snapped.

“But you called him that.”

“Well, damn. He's – he's good looking.”

“Not exactly your type, though, is he?”

“I don't think I have a type.”

“Oh, yes, you do. You date fuckboys.”

Hoseok sighed.

“I'm into... caring, though, I guess. I don't know.”

Changkyun reflected on that for a while.

“I suppose I'm into caring, too.”

“Well, we are related, after all.”

“We're not.”

“Right. You would be far better looking if we were, though.”

“I would also be into dads, so it's a hard pass,” he shot back.

Hoseok pushed him.

Changkyun yelled: “Dad, he's being mean to me!”

Hoseok pushed him harder.

Silence fell over them. Hoseok rolled onto his side, staring at nothing in particular in the dark. He recalled a little late that he received no see you arounds or get well soons from Kihyun, which did not surprise him. It didn't sting, either. It just put a pitiful dot after a pitiful day.

 

~

 

The morning was chirpy and long lines had already snaked far away from the restroom, reaching all the way to the nearest clutter of stands. Hoseok and Changkyun waited their turn, yawning, only to get some odd five minutes under the icy water. During the day, a nice cold shower would be welcome. At six in the morning, not so much.

They would have to get used to the neverending hum of the campsite, otherwise what awaited them was a sleepless weekend.

And it was only Friday.

As they headed back to their tent, Hoseok couldn't help but look in the direction of the trailer. Of course, he saw no signs of life there. The slit of the window was shut and drawn by the blue chiffon curtain, chairs still inside.

They climbed back into the tent, leaving the entrance wide open. Searching through his rucksack, Hoseok found something light to eat that he had packed for the road, sharing the food with Changkyun. They downed their only bottle of water as they ate.

Afterwards, Hoseok laid down, a bit worn. He patted the pockets of his trousers to find the leaflet with concert schedules. A couple of unknown, probably local bands were scheduled for the forenoon, and if they didn't find anything else to do, Hoseok wasn't against going. Around two in the afternoon, though, the Bursters were supposed to open the main stage. He wasn't about to miss that.

They fell asleep for a couple more hours, this time deaf and blind to the rumble of the campsite. Around ten, Changkyun's phone beeped.

“Jooheon's here.”

“Who?” asked Hoseok sleepily although he put the name to the face immediately afterwards. Changkyun and Jooheon had been friends for some odd two or three years even though they had never seen each other in person. From what Hoseok recalled, they had first met through Soundcloud or some other website.

“Jooheon,” said Changkyun. “He's here. With his squad.”

“His squad,” said Hoseok, dubious.

“Yeah.”

“Want to go and meet him?”

“Yeah. Totally. He's like – he spits fire.” Changkyun tried to wipe the sleep from his eyes as he sat down. Then his whole mood suddenly changed and he pierced Hoseok with a glare. “But, like, don't embarrass me, hyung.”

“Don't worry, I'm not touching any alcohol today.”

“Well, that's nice and all, but don't embarrass me in general.”

Hoseok threw his pillow at him, though he missed on purpose.

This Jooheon guy truly had a whole squad camped with him. Next to their tents and two parked cars stood a set of smallish but professional-looking speaker boxes. Music was blasting away, though not unpleasantly loud.

Hoseok counted at least seven people clustered around the sound system, but he couldn't be sure about the exact headcount, seeing that everyone kept moving to and fro. Changkyun was welcomed amongst the party like an old friend. Surprisingly, so was Hoseok.

There was no time for small talk with Jooheon. He drew Changkyun right in, gushing about newly released songs and asking about Changkyun's lyrics. Some older guys and girls lounged around and Hoseok recognized some of them as semi-popular underground musicians from Seoul.

So, this was Jooheon's squad. Hoseok was rather impressed. He vibed with this guy named Gunhee and as he laughed at his jokes, he felt some of the remaining tension leave his mind. The day was turning sunnier by the minute and so did his mood.

It was too bad, then, that he'd rather be simmering in his shame inside that trailer.

He really had it bad.

They all went to grab some meal together, Jooheon leading the way to a place he swore was the best in the neighbourhood. They had to leave the grounds and walk in the sun to a nearby square littered by diners, fast food stalls, and cherry trees out of bloom. Hoseok picked the healthiest option on the menu only to get picked on, but since he ate twice as much as anyone else, the quips soon died down.

Just for good measure, he flexed a little to silence the remarks.

The talk was all music and the underground scene. When the people around Jooheon put together that Hoseok was actually Wonho,  _the_ t rainee who had been paraded around as a prodigy a few years back only to be dropped and who stuck around as a backup dancer for other performers _ , _ the conversation became even livelier. As he learned, many of Jooheon's friends had gone through something similar. They still made it in the end, though, and Hoseok didn't.

Changkyun was eyeing him during the chat to check on him and to steer the subject in a different direction when he sensed Hoseok's thoughts. But Hoseok was alright.

It all was.

Back in the tent city, Hoseok made an excuse and said he had to call their parents, preferably somewhere quiet. Reminding Changkyun not to behave like _he_ had yesterday, Hoseok headed towards their abode. With no clouds above, his neck grew hot as he went.

“Hey! Hello there!”

Hoseok winced.

From the other side of the fence, Minhyuk waved at him furiously.

“Hey,” offered Hoseok.

“Where's your little brother?”

Oh.

“He's with a friend.”

“A pretty friend?”

“Well, he was kind of cute, in a way.”

“It's a he, then? Poor Changkyun. He's never gonna get laid.”

Hoseok chuckled. It scared him a little to think that he had been out for so long yesterday that these strangers had managed to get so friendly with Changkyun. Apparently, they even shared jokes and jabs now.

“There were girls, too.” Though most of them were even older than Hoseok.

“Well, I hope the kid gets snatched by one of them. He looked so bummed when you were out there, confessing your undying love while he had nobody to act like a fool for.”

“Oh, don't remind me...”

“Aw, don't be shy about it. It was sweet.” Minhyuk reconsidered. “Except for all that vomiting. That wasn't cute at all, let me tell you. You're lucky the rain washed it all away.”

“Lucky me.”

“Hey, wanna come over?”

“I – don't think so.”

“Kihyun's out. Don't worry.”

Now he wanted to go even less. Even so, he did.

Today, the guys stretched a canopy above their seating and Hyungwon was already basking in the shade underneath it. Minhyuk was right; Kihyun was nowhere to be found and Hoseok decided not to ask.

Unlike Minhyuk, Hyungwon didn't seem that cheerful to see him, though he probably just didn't care either way. He kept glancing in the direction of a nearby van. A man with his back turned towards them was tending a grill in front of the vehicle. Every once in a while, Hyungwon or Minhyuk called out to the man, making it obvious they were acquainted; the guy, though, was the type to focus on one task at hand and forget about the rest of the world.

“That's Hyunwoo,” said Minhyuk, turning away from the man. He motioned to Hoseok to sit down.

“A friend of yours?”

“Sorta.”

“We wish,” said Hyungwon.

“We only meet here once a year,” explained Minhyuk. He was cutting a melon. “The first time we went, we ended up being neighbours. And so we keep picking spots next to each other.”

“That kind of makes you friends, doesn't it?”

“We are festival friends. That's, like, a cheaper version of friendship. Like buying a plastic watch from a gift shop and hoping it won't stop working after you wet it,” said Hyungwon.

“That was deep, Chae,” Minhyuk mocked.

“Yeah, as deep as my love for grilled meat,” Hyungwon brushed him off.

Minhyuk scoffed while he got them plastic plates and served the melon with sweetened drinks. Although full, Hoseok couldn't say no to one cool slice – or two – and he started eating.

“So, what were the two of you up to?” Minhyuk sat down, swatting away Hyungwon's hand so he could take the juiciest piece of the fruit himself. “You and your lil bro.”

“Woke up early. Went to sleep again. Met with his friends,” said Hoseok, slurping. “Now we're kinda... waiting for the Bursters to open the big stage. At least I am.”

“Cool. Come with us, then.” Minhyuk had his mouth full, but that didn't stop him from rambling. “We already went to see some of the bands that were playing in the morning. Well, Kihyun and I did. This brat,” he motioned to Hyungwon, “was asleep.”

“I know when to preserve energy.”

“You even _told_ us to wake you up for The Kitsches.”

“Changed my mind.”

“In your sleep?”

“That's when I'm the most mindful.”

Minhyuk flipped him off and went back to munching on his melon.

“Anyways, they were amazing. I couldn't understand a word and I think Kihyun is going to nag about damaged vocal cords for the rest of the day, but they were really good. You both missed out.”

“We'll live,” said Hyungwon, his gaze following Hyunwoo the grill guy as he disappeared inside his van.

“I think we should all go together to see the Bursters. Your brother and all. The more of us go, the better we will survive in the crowd.”

Hyungwon snorted all of a sudden.

“We just have to make sure that no one tall stands in front of Kihyun.”

Now it was Minhyuk's turn to snort.

“Man, he's so petty whenever that happens.”

“He, like, goes around, kicking shins.”

“He's merciless.”

“It's fun to watch him flip.”

Hoseok leaned back in the chair to watch his hands, which were folded in his lap. The chair made him look large and lost.

“Is Kihyun...”

As suddenly as he started, he fell silent. What was he going to say? Is he mad? Is he alright?

Is he gay, by the way? Asking for a friend.

“He's gone to take a little walk. He's freaky like that.”

“We discovered this pretty pond in the forest last year and he really likes it there.”

“Yeah, he thinks it's poetic and shit.”

“S ays it channels his inner artist.”

“Because he’s super pretentious.”

“So he makes a show of going there.”

“Probably just wants to piss in peace.”

“Well, I don't blame him for that,” Hoseok put his two cents in, entertained by the tirade. “Have you seen the restroom lines?”

“Aw, that's right. Defend the love of your life,” said Minhyuk, sly.

“...Don't.” Hoseok groaned.

Despite his plea, the two of them were already giving Hoseok looks that were way too gleeful for his liking.

“I take it you've really sobered up, then.” Minhyuk got serious for a second, but then he added, a tad too triumphant: “I told you all it was just beer goggles.”

“Nope.” Hoseok stared at his hands again. “Still there.”

“ _Boy_ ,” Minhyuk shouted.

“That's really something,” said Hyungwon, a smile flowing over his face from one corner of his mouth to the other. It made his eyes gentle, though his words could cut glass. “He still doesn't think Kihyun is insufferable.”

“Or ugly.”

“He's not that ugly,” Hyungwon retorted, amused.

“He's no garden rose, either,” said Minhyuk.

“Is he mad at me?” Hoseok interrupted them, looking up. His face was void. Anything he might feel was present in his tone alone.

It was a loaded question.

“I guess he was annoyed?” Minhyuk glanced at Hyungwon.

“And who wouldn't be. With a large grubby buffoon following them around.”

“Thanks,” said Hoseok dryly.

“But you were so cute, though?” It seemed that Minhyuk still could not wrap his head around the fact that a man of Hoseok's proportions could turn into such a sap.

“And Kihyun's easily flattered.”

“For real!”

“But... is he...”

“What?” they both looked at him.

“Is he, y'know...”

“Taken?”

“Straight.”

“Dude.” Minhyuk looked him dead in the eyes. “None of us is straight. I swear sometimes our gayness is the only thing that keeps this friendship together.”

“Cool.” On the inside, Hoseok exploded. “And so...”

“He's not taken, either. Who would take him?”

“Everyone gives him back,” added Hyungwon. “We've tried.”

“Cool.” This time, Hoseok smiled. It wasn't the biggest of smiles, but it changed his whole face.

“I don't know if he's into big guys, though?” Minhyuk turned around to ask for Hyungwon's opinion.

“He's pretty vain,” offered Hyungwon.

“Yeah, doesn't like to be the small, stunted one.”

“So it's a hard task, really, to find him anyone.”

“You have a really good-looking face, too.”

“Basically, you are a nightmare to Kihyun's ego.”

“And all that muscle.” Minhyuk stole the opportunity to give Hoseok's arm a little squeeze. “I mean, _we_ like guys like you. All ripped and shit.”

“Word.”

“Why didn't you just hit on one of us?”

“Or both?”

“Or me, preferably?” pressed Minhyuk, also pressing on Hoseok's bicep in the process. “I have had it with Chae stealing my men.”

“I don't have to steal. They come to me.”

“Yeah, well, Hyunwoo didn't.”

“He didn't come to you, either.”

“Are you still bickering about Hyunwoo, the straightest vanilla man in Korea?”

Everyone's head flipped in Kihyun's direction.

“What?” he asked, not taken aback but slightly offended by the stares.

“Were you snooping?”

“On your Hyunwoo thirst fest? No, thanks. I have been trying to run from it all the way here to Jeju.”

“Well, too bad. The thirst is ever-present,” said Minhyuk victoriously.

“Speaking of which.” Kihyun disappeared into the trailer, rummaging through things. A faint rustle was heard. “Any of you want to go for a drink?”

“It's noon,” said Hyungwon.

“Not if you hide from the sun.” Kihyun emerged again, his tee changed for one that was lighter and shorter. “Minhyuk?”

“Nope. Not when Hyunwoo is grilling meat in a sleeveless shirt.”

“Hyungwon?”

“Not when I've just sat down.”

“You've been sitting in that same spot since morning.”

“And I will until it's time to lay down.”

“Alright, then.” Kihyun pocketed his wallet. “Hoseok?”

“I'm all yours.” Fuck.

“Good to know. Come on, then.”

 

~

 

Inside the pub, it was airy but dusky and full of people. Upon arriving, they had to squeeze themselves into a corner of an already occupied table to even find a place to sit.

Hoseok tried to be as small as possible. It wasn't because of the packed room that he did his best to shrink in his seat. It was because Kihyun and him were alone now.

Sure, they were surrounded and even squished from each side by other Bursters fans waiting for the concert to start, but that didn't make any difference to Hoseok. Sitting next to Kihyun in his washed out blue _Do Re Mi Fa So Done With You_ tee made him grow nervous. He didn't want to touch him by accident, or by not so accidental accident, and therefore he slumped in his seat.

And, after all, Kihyun didn't like big guys.

His plan was solid.

They were silent at first. They didn't talk as they sat down except for the obligatory “Wanna sit here?” and “Alright.” They didn't talk as they ordered their drinks, Kihyun asking for beer and Wonho opting for still water. They didn't really talk until each took his first sip.

Kihyun broke the silence. He pulled a slight face as he tasted the bitter beer, although there was some appreciation to it.

“I haven't had one in months. Actually, I haven't drunk anything in ages.”

“Can't relate.”

That must have seemed funny to Kihyun because his eyes crinkled.

“Don't beat yourself up about it. It happens.”

“Has it ever happened to you?”

“No.” When he saw Hoseok face fall, Kihyun added: “I'm not a fun a drunk, anyway. I mostly just sleep.”

“It wasn't much fun to deal with me, though, was it.”

“Oh, it was for me.” Kihyun took another sip. “It's been a while since I could order someone around and they actually listened.”

“Well, I'm your guy.”

Hoseok blanched at himself, but he kept his gaze steady on Kihyun.

And, hell, Kihyun's eyes crinkled again.

“So.” Hoseok leaned forward, resting his forearms on the table. He kept the glass in his hands to cool them. “You okay with me sticking around?”

“For the weekend?”

Or forever. “Yeah.”

“I mean, the more the merrier, right?”

Hoseok thought of Changkyun's squad. Oh, it was going to be merry, alright.

Someone put the Bursters CD on to fire up the mood. And it did. Everyone got louder. More people were milling about to order drinks and chill at the bar. Kihyun had to shout when he asked him about his favourite bands and Hoseok had to lean in to answer.

It was making him dizzy, the noise. The way Kihyun tilted his head back to look at him from time to time was making him dizzier.

“And I'm just a bit sorry I won't get to see F. T. Island,” Hoseok finished.

“They were here the last year. You should have come.”

“I really should have,” he agreed. He could have, too, if he had listened to Changkyun.

Instead of moping, he asked about Kihyun's favourite bands. It gave him the opportunity to stare and look attentive instead of thirsty.

“I'm mostly in for Jaurim and The Rose. I can't get enough of them.”

“That's... softer than what I expected.”

“Yeah, they are both usually scheduled for the night because they don't bring that many fans in.” Swirling the rest of his beer in the bottle, Kihyun suddenly asked: “Wanna come with me?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I do.”

“The Rose won't come on until the midnight, though.”

“I don't mind.”

“Cool.” At that, Kihyun checked his watch and shook his bottle a bit. There was still some beer at the bottom. “I'm going to take this one to go. Unless you want to finish it?”

“I'd better not.”

Kihyun snickered.

“You're like a cat on hot bricks. Loosen up.”

“I did. Yesterday, remember? And I don't want that to happen again, ever.”

“I keep telling you. It wasn't that bad. I'm not even mad about it. Well, not anymore.” He stood up. “The worst case scenario? I'll just take care of you again.”

At this, Hoseok was taken aback. “Yeah, well, still. I wouldn't want to make you uncomfortable.”

“Uncomfortable, how?”

“By hitting on you.”

“But didn't you say it's okay to hit on guys who want you back?”

Choking, Hoseok followed Kihyun out.

 

~

 

In the golden sun, the stage shimmered.

With Jooheon's squad and the trailer boys, as Changkyun had dubbed them much to Minhyuk's protests, their whole group amassed to about twenty people. They chose a spot close to the pit although none of them was particularly brave to set out _too_ close. Not even Hoseok or Hyunwoo, who could have easily barrelled through the crowd. After all, while they all enjoyed the music, there was no reason for them to thrash about in the melee under the stage, risking a black eye. Hoseok liked his handsome face the way it was, thank you very much.

He was on fire. The sun blazed high and hard, blinding his eyes at times, making him sweat. His palms were hot to the touch. So were Kihyun's, Hoseok found out when Kihyun pulled at his forearm to bring him closer.

“We should see better from here!”

“Alright,” Hoseok shouted back, already missing the touch.

Wave-like, the bodies all around them swayed, jumped, and steamed in the swelter. People were singing and yelling and, most of all, laughing. It was as if joy had seeped through everyone's veins and now it was slowly, thickly filling them to the core. Hoseok stared ahead in awe.

He was used to performing, and monitoring other performances, and generally just dissecting everything and everyone from the viewpoint of skill and execution. This was new, though. He thought of nothing in particular as he listened to the frontman sing, only he felt it all; every word and every pause.

When had he last enjoyed a show without overanalyzing his own and everyone else's every move? He was good at what he did, great, even, and yet his dream had somehow turned into a job and his job into a chore. Somewhere along the lines, he'd forgotten to think about the atmosphere, about the audience. About himself, even.

The band cleared the podium, making the crowd scream for encore. Of course they got it; still, it was all over too fast. After the Bursters left for good, Kihyun reached for his arm again, this time above the elbow. He was a little flushed.

“Wanna stay for the next one?”

“Totally.”

They stayed for four more bands.

The rest of the squad broke into smaller groups in the meantime, some leaving and some coming back again armed with booze and snapbacks. The two of them stuck together, too enthralled to move when a more chill sound of Flash Flood Darlings and Thornapple mellowed out the masses.

Once or twice, Hoseok had to shoulder a pushy rando out of his way so he wouldn't get separated from Kihyun, though he always felt bad about it afterwards. Fortunately, the crowd was dynamic yet respectful and he didn't have to rough anyone up too much.

Or maybe it was because Hoseok looked intimidating although he wasn't, so the ratio of randos versus the two of them stayed pretty low.

It wasn't until a band named Ironbard took the stage that Kihyun turned to Hoseok with his whole body. His voice was strong but strained and it took Hoseok a minute to understand he was suggesting that they leave.

“I've seen them before,” explained Kihyun on top of his lungs. “They're great, but –“

He didn't have to finish as the singer grabbed the mic and _shrieked_.

Sensing that another hour in this heat and din would probably give him a headache, Hoseok nodded, offering his hand to Kihyun. Kihyun didn't think twice about it. He took the hand and let Hoseok fight the way through the throng.

Outside the site, Hoseok noticed his ears were ringing. It was a weird, void sensation which left him a little light-headed. He told himself he wasn't letting go of Kihyun just to be safe; because what if he fainted all of a sudden? Thinking himself sly, he slowed down to match Kihyun's tempo.

Hoseok didn't faint, of course. Not even when Kihyun locked their fingers, pressing their palms together.

“Where are you taking me?” Hoseok asked.

Even his own voice sounded muted inside his head.

“Wherever you want me to.”

Smooth. Hoseok squeezed his hand.

“The pond?” he said for some strange reason.

Immediately, he felt like an intruder all over again. It was Kihyun's place.

Which was maybe why he wanted to see it.

Kihyun glanced at him searchingly.

“How do you know about the pond?” Then, the tiniest ripple appeared on his forehead. “Minhyuk snitched, am I right.”

“You know it.”

“I'll take you there, then.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. We've got time until midnight.”

“Sweet.”

Being a snack, Kihyun was also mindful of bringing snacks, so they stopped by the trailer. He also picked up a blanket and insect repellent because, as he defended himself when he saw Hoseok's expression, he was no fool.

Kihyun actually set out away from the forest at first. Circling alongside the tent city, they walked in the sun, breathing in the scorching smell of pollen. The air quivered above the ground. Eventually, after a while longer than Hoseok had expected, they took a turn and suddenly they were surrounded by trees.

The shade was soothing. What seemed like a stern and silvered growth of conifers turned into lush vegetation as they plodded on. Birds were chirping, leaves and ivy rustled under their feet with every step, and soon they ventured so deep into the woods there were no other sounds to be heard.

Hoseok tripped once or twice. When he did, Kihyun reached out to steady him up. Unfortunately, being a dancer, Hoseok was way too quick to regain balance.

So he tripped for the third time.

“Careful,” said Kihyun, his voice low and just as soothing as the humid cool of the forest. He grabbed Hoseok's arm. It was of minor importance that he wasn't strong enough to do much if Hoseok was indeed falling. “We're almost there.”

And so they were.

The tangled floor gave room to moss and grass. The “pond,” as everyone had called it, was much larger than what he had envisioned. It glistened, its surface sun-dappled.

At the shore, the water was almost see-through.

Excited, Hoseok dashed to the edge of the pond, dipping his hands in it. It felt so pleasant and cold he buried his fingers right into the whitish sand.

He splashed.

“You're like a baby,” commented Kihyun, not unkindly, as squatted down next to Hoseok.

Hoseok splashed again, this time at him.

“A big baby.” Kihyun splashed back.

They spread out the blanket and, after Kihyun generously coated them in a cloud of insect repellent, they sat down at the brim of the pond. Without the masses and music, it took them a while to start talking. This time, though, the silence between them was far from uncomfortable. At most, it was shyness that hold them back.

At last, Hoseok decided not to be a wuss.

“So, remember when you said you wanted me, too?” Shit.

Kihyun looked at him.

Hoseok looked at Kihyun.

A jay screeched.

“Yeah. What about it?”

“Were you for real?”

“I mean,” said Kihyun, “that's sort of a given, isn't it.”

“How so.”

“You're a fun drunk.”

“Is that it?” Hoseok leaned back, a bit miffled.

“What can I say. I guess I'm easily charmed.”

“I'm not. Easily charmed, I mean.” He shifted his hand closer to Kihyun. “But I was when I saw you.”

At that, Kihyun dipped his head back. His eyelids seemed heavier, the corners of his mouth sharper. He looked amused and inviting at the same time and it made Hoseok's tummy flip.

“For me, it was more in the way you acted. You were so clingy,” Kihyun grinned a little, turning away from Hoseok. “And really, really outrageous.”

“And you liked that?”

“At that moment? No. Naturally, I hated your guts.”

“I suppose that's fair.”

“It is. You were making a fool of me in front of my friends.”

“I wasn't trying to,” said Hoseok quietly but quickly.

“I know. In the end, I decided to forgive you because you made a bigger fool out of yourself.”

“Thanks.”

“You were cute, in a way. As in, I-must-protect-this-soft-giant kind of way.”

Hoseok rested his chin on his shoulder. Like this, he could stare and listen. There was a line of honey-coloured sunlight running along Kihyun's profile and it made him feel funny. It made him want things.

He'd never been this awkward yet safe with anyone.

After all, there wasn't much he could do or say that would be worse that what he had already said and done. He supposed that was the bright side.

“What else did you think of me?”

“ _Fuck, he's stunning_.”

Hoseok balked.

After a few seconds, Kihyun asked, without looking at him:

“What? Are you the only one who's allowed to say it?”

“Well, no...”

“There isn't much time, anyway. We should use all of it and be frank with each other.”

“What do you mean, there isn't much time?”

“We all leave on Sunday. Monday, at most.”

So there was that.

Of course, Kihyun was right. They had only a couple of days ahead of them.

It should have stopped him.

Hoseok did his best to smile: “I thought for a second that you might have some kind of incurable disease.”

“Not that I know of.”

“Good to know you're not going to die on me, then.”

“I might if you keep smiling like that.”

He really was too silver-tongued for Hoseok's good. He had to defend himself somehow.

“And I thought my flirting was bad.” Smooth.

“Shush, you're smiling even wider now.”

“And yet you're still alive.”

Kihyun pretended to be shaken. “After this burn? Not for long.”

“You know what else is burning.”

“Your heart for me?”

“Aw.”

“Oh my god,” Kihyun cracked. “We are terrible at this.”

“Are we, though?”

“I mean, I guess it's alright until no one else can hear us being such disgusting dorklords.”

Hoseok all but softened.

“You really were for real.”

“Obviously. I don't want to waste my time like Minhyuk and Hyungwon do. I fancy you, so there's that.”

For a good minute, he didn't know how to respond. And then a small “I fancy you, too” was heard, and Kihyun laid his hand next to Hoseok's.

“Yeah. I've noticed.”

“It's amazing, anyway. A little unfortunate, but amazing,” said Hoseok, all of a sudden a tad more serious, “that you parked that trailer right next to our tent.”

“Well, it's the spot we always choose. It's not like I have a choice anymore.”

“Is it because of that Hyunwoo guy?”

“Yep. Minhyuk and Hyungwon are basically in love with him.”

“And you're not?”

“Please.” Kihyun reached for his backpack and started to unpack drinks and snacks. And, oh god, there was beer. “He's great but straight.”

Hoseok took the offered can, hesitant but parched.

“So you're really in for the music, then, not the company,” Hoseok more or less stated.

“Now I am, as a matter of fact. But when we first decided to go, I for real thought I'd just hate the whole experience. I never cared for this kind of music before.” Kihyun tapped the lid of his can before opening it.

“What made you go in the end?”

He thought for a minute.

“You know, I don't even remember. The guys dragged me with them because I had the trailer. I think they promised me there would be symphonic metal or something.”

“You like that?” Hoseok asked, taking the first foamy sip.

“Yeah. I am a voice and opera major.”

“...Wow.”

“It's not that impressive,” said Kihyun, obviously glad that Hoseok was impressed.

“It is.” Hoseok looked at him, a little searchingly. “Sing for me?”

“Now?”

“Yeah.”

So he did.

And hell, Kihyun's voice silenced the whole forest. Even birds and dragonflies seemed to freeze and hold their breath, ceasing in their singing and buzzing. There was not a single ripple on the surface of the pond, as if the water was listening, too.

He knew neither the name of the song nor the melody. It wasn't Korean, probably not even English. Whatever language it was, it emphasized Kihyun's lisp in the tenderest way possible. He sung for a bit, for way too short in Hoseok's opinion, and then it was over and he pined to hear more.

Somewhere along the way, the tips of their fingers started touching. Hoseok poked at Kihyun, and Kihyun patted him with his fingertips, and then one of them may have covered the other's hand with his. Two beers later, they were still sitting like this, chaste but open.

Kihyun was _startingly_ open, actually. Leaning forward to get a better view of his expression, Hoseok wondered whether it was the temporariness of the situation that was making it easier to speak. They would never meet again. In a way, they had nothing to lose. Kihyun seemed almost fatalistic about it. For him, there was nothing after Sunday.

After the fourth can, Hoseok was no longer sad about it because words like Sunday ceased to have a meaning. All he wanted was to swim in the pond and be kissed.

“I want to go swimming,” he said.

“Did you bring your trunks with you?”

“...No.”

“Neither did I. I always forget.”

“I didn't even pack any. Changkyun said the site was too far from the beach, so I thought, what's the point.”

“Well, what about the bathrooms? Do you just go full monty?” Kihyun raised his eyebrows.

“I'm not exactly shy.” Not about his body, anyway.

At that, Kihyun eyed him, not for the first time.

“Makes sense.”

Hoseok wasn't this pleased with himself in a while. He told himself that he flushed because of the alcohol. Which, when he thought about it, wasn't that far from the truth. He didn't know whether it was the weather, or the fact that he hadn't drunk properly since he had become a trainee, or both; but his limbs were becoming way too light for his liking yet again. And here he had thought he could hold his liquor.

Shuffling a little, he kicked off his shoes, rolled up his jeans above the ankles and dipped his feet in the water. He needed to cool off.

It was nice, though not as nice as being kissed, he reckoned.

With Hoseok sloshing around gently, they talked about summers and school and how they both took a break when they were too young and too eager to succeed, and how Hoseok actually sacrificed his education to become a trainee, and how that turned out for him.

Kihyun, however, was looking at him in longer and longer intervals, talking less and less, until he said:

“I don't know. In my books, you've made it. You're _doing_ it. You wanted to dance and that's what you do for a living.”

“Yeah, well. The plan was to sing, too. To really make it into a band, not to dance for others.”

“You can sing?”

“Obviously not very well.”

He didn't ask Hoseok to sing, but he turned to him and tapped the knuckles of his fingers. It was like a secret message Kihyun was sending him. They were alone and there was no judgement.

Hoseok swallowed.

It was easier to tilt his head back and pretend he was singing to the leafed branches above. Compared to Kihyun, his voice was mellower, suited for pop songs. It didn't have the very quality to stand out. He knew that. Still, ending in a whisper, he realized how long he didn't hear his own voice, and how freeing it was to just let go. He stopped practising, of course, when he had been told he was being dropped.

Practising and singing were two different things, though.

Did it really stunt him to this point, that one setback? Was he unable to love what he did anymore?

The finality of his failure which he had imposed on himself scared him, partly because he wasn't conscious of it at all.

“You're full of shit,” said Kihyun out of nowhere.

It startled Hoseok.

“What?”

“ _I don't sing very well_ , my ass.” He didn't sound mad or mean; he was so soft and serious that it clashed with his words in an almost silly way.

“Not as well as you, anyway.”

“Please. I've gone through a completely different training. I was an understudy for Alfred Kim before I even tried to become a trainee, and now I'm back in a specialized school. Get out.”

“We're out.”

“Get out spiritually.”

“Still. Your voice is,” he paused. “I don't even know.”

“Same, though.”

His heart swelled.

“Sing again,” said Kihyun.

“No way.”

“C'mon.”

“What for?”

“I want to squeeze your diaphragm.”

“Is that – is that some kind of innuendo?”

“No, unfortunately. Look. Here.” He touched Hoseok's midriff, spreading his palm. “Your voice should go from here.”

When he saw the suspicious look Hoseok was giving him, Kihyun sighed.

“This is the basics, really. And they never even stop to teach you this stuff in big companies because they don't care. Yeah, you get a vocal coach, but you're not the only one they have to focus on and all they do is make you repeat one part until you get it right. But that's bollocks,” Kihyun ranted, his cheekbones sharpening somehow. “You can't learn these things individually, song by song. You have to learn the technique in order to be able to wing just any song. So come on. Sing. I want to know how much power I can get out of you.”

“You're really gonna squeeze my stomach?”

“Yep. Work that muscle.”

It all sounded incredibly dirty, and funny, and Hoseok couldn't say not even if he tried.

And so he sung, and they laughed, and Kihyun made him stand up and pressed on his belly some more. He was relentless, and there was a moment when Hoseok's high notes stopped shaking.

By that time, though, what was shaking was the rest of his body.

As he noticed, not for the first time, Kihyun wasn't that much shorter than him – if at all. Rather than that, he was petite. He was petite in the most touchable way. Too afraid to touch him back, Hoseok stood still and let his stomach grow hot and heavy.

It was even worse when Kihyun decided his help was no longer needed and let his arm drop.

Hoseok never knew that harmonizing with another guy could leave him aching.

He needed another beer after that, but seeing that they'd run out of snacks, they decided to head back and join the others. As they collected their things and rolled the blanket, ready to set off, Hoseok glanced back at the pond. It really was a pity about the trunks.

 

~

 

To no one's surprise, the entirety of their group had spontaneously gathered around Jooheon's big blasting speakers with Hoseok and Kihyun being amongst the last ones to join. Tables and chairs were laid out, Hoseok recognizing the set that Minhyuk must have brought from in front of the trailer. Anyone who didn't manage to grab a seat was lying on the warm grass, not a bit bothered.

Spotting Changkyun near a mini fridge, Hoseok hopped after him, suddenly conscious of the fact that he hadn't checked on the kid once during the day. As the responsible and devoted brother he was, he had to make it up to Changkyun, which meant he pulled him to his lap and rocked him lovingly.

Changkyun's face went from mortified to done within seconds. His feet dangled above the ground. Knowing very well he couldn't wrestle Hoseok even with all his might, he decided to let himself be rocked and cooed at.

It may have helped that a girl he called Seulgi thought it was the cutest thing she'd ever seen.

There was almost too much food for them, and even more drinks, and overall it felt like a festival within a festival. Hoseok ate three slices of melon before Minhyuk told him it had been laced with vodka, but at that point he was too happy to care. He picked up a few more slices, put them on the plate and offered them to an unassuming Kihyun, who by that time plopped down next to him.

Around the time the sky grew steelier though still light, everyone welcomed the evening breeze. Changkyun had somehow weaseled his way out of Hoseok's embrace and got lost in the crowd, probably to hang out with the girl who babied him just as much as Hoseok did.

“I'm calling it,” said Minhyuk, his voice too loud even in the din. “By Sunday? Changkyun's gonna get laid.”

“Well, praise the lord,” Hyungwon hummed into his flowery mug of white rum.

“Nooo,” Wonho half-covered his ears. “He should stay tiny and cute and innocent forever.”

“Forever? That's a long time.”

“At least to his wedding, then,” Hoseok conceded.

“And did you?” The question brought a smile to Hyungwon's lips.

At that, Hoseok sulked.

“No.”

“See. Be ready for your tent to be besmirched.”

“Besmirched!” Minhyuk looked absolutely appalled. “I told you to shove these archaic ass I'm-a-linguist ass words up yours!”

Hyungwon just smiled wider and took a sip of his rum.

“It's not like any of us can get married, anyway,” said Kihyun.

“Not with that attitude.” Stretching, Minhyuk linked his legs with Kihyun only to kick him for a bit. “What a way to poop the party, too.”

“We can get fake married,” said Hoseok.

“What, right now?”

Their tiny group snickered at Kihyun's comeback, even Hoseok.

“I mean, I'm yours for the weekend. You know that.”

“The two of you are so nasty,” singsonged Minhyuk, his eyes lit up.

Hoseok paid him no mind: “Like, how much can a plastic ring cost? A few won?”

“Or just make one out of grass,” suggested Hyungwon.

“So nasty!” Minhyuk sounded even happier now, but did his best to pull a grimace as he stood up to pour everyone a drink.

“We have a problem, though,” said Kihyun, leaning back. “How can I be your husband when I'm already your dad?”

“That was one time!” yelled Hoseok, but his voice was lost in the roar of laughter.

The topic shifted, alcohol flowed, and soon the daylight turned inky. People milled about, talking more and more. The music in turn died down a bit and Jooheon, who tended to the playlist, let it switch to some old school 80s rock which was birdsong-y and heavy with nostalgia.

Minhyuk and Hyungwon had ditched them a while ago because they “weren't paid enough for this shit,” which was uttered after Hoseok had started to play with Kihyun's earring.

Kihyun lied. He was a fun drunk.

More importantly, he seemed to find everything Hoseok said and did funny. A helpless grin was scrunching his whole face and squishing his shoulders when Hoseok was telling him about the time he fell into a stage pit mid-performance.

It was so precious Hoseok wanted to pull him close, chair and all.

He was in the middle of another story when a gigantic moth flew right at his face, scaring him to the point of screeching.

Kihyun laughed. And when he did, there was no sound – or very little. But he laughed with his whole face. God, he had _dimples_.

Attacked on all fronts, Hoseok buried his head into Kihyun's shoulder. He could still feel the papery wings flutter against his ear.

“It's just a tiger moth!” Kihyun lisped, partly because of vodka and partly because of the bout of laughter he couldn't control.

“No, it's a demon!”

Kihyun shooed the demon away, still doubled up in that defenceless way of his. As he did it, he brushed the shell-shaped outline of Hoseok's ear.

“Wanna go inside instead? There shouldn't be any moths in the trailer.” There was a bell-like tinge to Kihyun's tone. He was holding his last chuckle in.

Hoseok looked up.

“Are you trying to lure me into your bed?

“Yes.” Then, he grinned again. “Nah. But I can make you something to eat before we go see Jaurim.”

“Still sounds good.”

It was even better, honestly. Although he was visibly tipsy, Kihyun could work wonders with instant noodles and a portable stove. He prepared some veggies on the side, chopping scallions and lettuce and cracking eggs like a literal husband. He fried a block of seasoned tofu, elbowing Hoseok away from the stove when he insisted he take a bite. Of course, it only made him more persistent and he kept sneaking his way under Kihyun's arms to reach for scraps. It earned him a proper scolding, but, to hell with it, at least he had an excuse to graze Kihyun's sides every now and then.

After letting everything simmer in a pot, Kihyun poured its contents back into the two empty paper cups and handed Hoseok a pair of chopsticks. They dug in, both leaning against the counter.

He knew he kept thinking about kissing Kihyun way too much already. But at that moment, he really could kiss him. The meal was so good he barely stopped to breathe or talk. Since Kihyun had added a generous dash of spices, they were both sniffling softly.

So this was how it could be. With another person.

He could almost pretend the place was a cosy home, their home, and that they both would be here tomorrow and the next day and the day after that. Hoseok had no idea what living together would entail; he was too young to even consider it. And yet, at twenty two and one day into knowing Kihyun, he was ready to build a nest like a goddamn mourning dove.

It was new, too, to be wanted back so candidly. He'd _been_ wanted before, though he never knew where the relationship would lead him. And he'd been in a fair share of relationships – or, he had been, before his career. He had been a kid then, really. He had loved deeply, but only for a second.

It left him hollow that with Kihyun it was meant to be the same.

He'd never heard of an emotional hook-up, but this was it. A hello and a goodbye in one.

The soup sobered them up enough for them to set out and take a shortcut alongside the train tracks. It wasn't much of a shortcut, Kihyun pointed out, but it was definitely short of people. No trains were in sight at this hour, either. Only a low rumble of goods trains in the distance remained.

They both had warm jackets on. Kihyun had lent him the well-known flannel before putting on a bomber that made him appear even more delicate.

“You know,” Kihyun said, intertwining their fingers as if it was nothing; as if Hoseok, like the softie he was, hadn't been gathering courage to do just that for a while now. “Last year, a girl lost a leg here.”

“What? How? Did she fall under the train?”

“No. She jumped in front of it. She wasn't drunk or anything.”

“How do you know?”

“Well, maybe I don't. It's what the people said.”

“She must've been so sad.”

But then again, who wasn't.

“Yeah, but who isn't,” said Kihyun.

Hoseok stole a glance at him. His hair was soft in the orange light of street lamps.

“Are you?”

“I wasn't until today.”

“Are you being deep, or are you flirting with me?” In either way, it made Hoseok's throat a little tight.

“Your pick.”

“I'll go with the other one. I quite enjoy being flirted with.”

“That so?” Kihyun tugged at his arm, pulling him to a block of tall brick wall. It roughly reached Hoseok's shoulders. “If you like pick-up lines, do you also like picking guys up?”

“Oh my god.” Hoseok looked at Kihyun, then at the wall, then back at Kihyun. “We need to climb over it, right.”

“Yes.”

“And you actually need me to pick you up.”

“It would help.”

“You're so cheesy!”

Kihyun simpered, obviously too pleased with himself to fight the accusation.

“What do you do when you take this route alone?” Hoseok wanted to know.

“I don't. Minhyuk is pretty athletic, so he usually jumps right on and pulls us up. Me and Hyungwon, I mean. He's all tall and spidery, but can't climb a wall to save his life.”

Not to be overshadowed by Minhyuk, Hoseok tried to pull himself up first to make sure he wouldn't end up stranded at the other side of the wall with Kihyun laughing at him from above.

It was all good. The years spent in gym were finally paying off.

“Like, I did kind of get this body to pick guys up, but I never thought I'd do it literally.”

“A wasted opportunity, really.”

That did it. Hoseok drew Kihyun towards him, perhaps tighter than he needed to, and lifted him off the ground.

“You're not exactly a feather,” he huffed.

“It's my heart. It weighs a ton.”

“I cannot with you.”

Too soon, Kihyun was sitting at the edge of the wall and out of his reach. Hoseok hoisted himself up next, and when they were about to jump, he beat Kihyun to it in order to help him down. Once more, they ended up pressed against each other a tad closer than was absolutely necessary.

Kihyun suddenly turned serious, which meant he was up to no good.

He could hear him say it before he even did.

“So I just literally fell for you.”

Hoseok couldn't even.

This was the worst. And the best.

He was nearly sorry that they had met. That it was all so easy, but only to a certain point. That they were open to anything but future.

He didn't have much time to stay sappy. In a moment, they mingled with the crowd. Although slightly diminished, it was still astir at that hour.

They got there just in time for Jaurim.

A chirpy, almost unsettling voice of a woman emerged from the stage, though the scene stayed dark and there was no other sound to be heard. The audience grew silent; even the pit was calm. It took Hoseok a minute to realize that a grainy light was gradually flooding the stage, making it seem as if the sun was rising above the band. The silhouettes were shadowy and black at first, then defined and colourful. When the last spotlight snapped on, the music started at full blast.

Unprepared for the transition, he stared.

Kihyun seemed to go for very unique voices, and of course he would.

Most of the songs were composed as ballads, yet the persistent drums urged the crowd on. Every here and there, people were turning on their lighters to wave them in the air. They swayed back and forth, not really moving from their spot, petrified.

At the sixth or seventh song, Kihyun turned to him and gently grabbed the back of his neck to make Hoseok tilt towards him. He almost had to swallow his heart back down.

But all Kihyun did was shout in his ear.

“This one's called Icarus.” Leaning back a little, he fixed his eyes on Hoseok. The look they shared lasted too short. Kihyun was near his ear again, his tone aglow. “It's my favourite!”

And then he was gone, his hand and all.

It was an understatement when he said the song was his favourite. He was mesmerized.

The both of them were. Only Hoseok didn't look ahead anymore.

When The Rose came on, it was somewhat of a relief for Hoseok. Kihyun broke out of his trance as the people around them stirred. To Hoseok, it seemed he was avoiding his gaze.

As the mass shifted, a group of guys ended up in front of them, shielding the view. Even from the side, he noticed the sharp pull in Kihyun's face. Uh, oh. The dudes were in for some serious shin kicking.

Squatting, Hoseok pulled at Kihyun's sleeve. It did get him his attention, but that was it. His stare was blank.

At last, Hoseok said: “Hop on.”

“No way.” Kihyun hesitated. “I am heavier than I look. You said so yourself.”

“Well, I am stronger than I look.”

Kihyun eyed him with some suspicion.

“And I don't want to hear anything corny, like that you're really gonna make my knees weak tonight,” Hoseok called out.

That did it. The corners of Kihyun's mouth quivered. To hide his smile, he got behind Hoseok and carefully mounted his shoulders. When he settled down, he tapped Hoseok's arm.

Standing up, he thanked the heavens he was used to bench-pressing double Kihyun's weight. He really wasn't as light as he appeared. Resigned with the idea of waking up with a sore back, he smiled broad and silly, securing Kihyun's thighs in place.

It was all worth it when Kihyun lightly caressed the back of his hand.

The midnight struck, and there were fireworks above the stage, and the frontman's voice was raspy and ethereal. He sung of life and regret and then another voice joined in, huskier, so warm that the whole audience must have felt it to the marrow. Hoseok shut his eyes.

He gave himself over to the experience, savouring every moment. Halfway through the performance, Kihyun had to brush a few strands away from his face to make him look up. When he did, Kihyun motioned at him to let him down. He did, though unwillingly. His body already felt unfamiliar without that weight.

Either it was the emptiness which made him bolder, or it was him being clingy as always, but this time he wasn't going to pine. He hugged Kihyun from behind, bringing their bodies together.

Kihyun rested his head against him.

Neither of them said anything.

If he knew it was going to be this easy, he would never let go of him. Not from the day one.

A stray crowd-surfer eddied the crowd, passing them a little to the left with shrieks and yells. Some people lit up their lighters again, some only waved their arms. The two of them rocked lazily to the melody, Kihyun singing along, unheard in the noise.

The encore, of course, was their biggest hit, the one even Hoseok knew well. He dreaded the end, but it came. A roar of applause shook him to the core. He clapped as well, allowing Kihyun to withdraw from him.

The leaving mass forced them to move along. Soon, they broke away from it and headed in the direction of the train rails. Without the warmth of the crowd, Hoseok noticed it was getting chilly. He buttoned up his jacket.

Climbing atop the wall, they both sat down for a minute, or what they thought would be a minute. The top of the block was wide though not entirely comfortable, seeing that the surface was coarse with gravel. They didn't really mind it. Hoseok didn't want to say goodnight yet and he had the feeling that neither did Kihyun, so they settled for the secluded place.

They talked about the concert, Kihyun barely finding words to describe how good the encore had been, and that was saying something since he had always something shrewd to say. Naturally, the topic shifted to music in general. Hoseok mentioned in passing how he collaborated with some of the underground artists prior to his trainee years. That was how they found out they had both hung out with Yoongi at some point. The smallest of hopes sparked in him. If they knew the same people, they might live in the same area.

Out of nowhere, Hoseok recalled their conversation at the pond and he asked Kihyun to tell him more about the time he decided to ditch college.

“It's not an interesting story or anything.”

“I still want to hear it. If you want to tell me.”

“There isn't much to tell. It's just that I was groomed to become a singer from day one. When I was a teen, I was already singing with big stars, so school... it seemed such a waste. And opera – I do love it – but at that time I wasn't sure if I did. I wondered whether it was my parents' dream or mine.” His tone was hushed as he spoke. Resting his chin on his knee, Kihyun continued: “So I became a trainee instead, only to enroll a year later, wiser and with better thighs.”

Hoseok chuckled.

“What did you do during that year? Besides working on these guns,” he motioned to Kihyun's legs, which were skinny but strong like everything about him.

“Honestly? I probably thought I was working my ass off, but I didn't improve at all. My voice just became generic all of a sudden. I had to tone everything down to fit the idol image. In half a year, I was over it. I was used to hard work and competition, but when you're good in my field, you're _good_ , and there's a reward for it. When you're good in pop, you're as good as those who are bad. You have the same value, too.”

Hoseok considered that.

“Did you feel like that back then?”

“Yeah. I already decided to leave when they came to me with this contract, goading me into some kind of reality show. You know, the survival kind, where they try to form a band? They said that if I sign, I'd be a permanent member for sure. That the rest of the contest was for show. They were trying to milk money out of kids who had no idea there were pre-sign contracts, would you believe it? So I told them I'd think about it, but when I got the admission letter, I bailed.”

“Hold up,” said Hoseok, hugging his knees. “You could've debuted?”

Imperceptibly, Kihyun flinched.

“I mean, it could've been a lie, too. I never signed the paper, so I don't know.”

“Which band?”

Kihyun told him.

It was Hoseok's turn to flinch.

They looked at each other and then they both knew.

The strain was so obvious in Kihyun's face that Hoseok had to look away.

“Fuck,” said Kihyun. “They did it to you, too.”

For a good while, all Hoseok did was listen to the hum and creak of trains somewhere far away.

“So it was all planned. It really was.” It was so sickening he wanted to laugh. “All decided from the beginning.”

There was a silence.

“Maybe I'm wrong,” Kihyun offered. “I can't know for sure. Who knows what they were thinking.”

“No, it actually makes sense. Why else would they suddenly push me to focus on the choreo instead of singing? Why would they starve me and keep me shut in the gym?”

“Jesus...”

“I –” Hoseok broke off. “I'm sorry, it's – I don't want to be sorry for myself. I don't want you to be sorry.”

Kihyun inhaled sharply, but stayed silent.

A surge of nausea hit him. Hoseok knew that next would come the sick sweat and clammy palms. His chest burned.

“This is so messed up. How did I not see it?”

“Hyung, if you'd rather I go...”

“Don't.” He didn't know how to tell him that he was all choked up because it just meant he'd never been good enough. “Don't go.”

He yearned for a comforting touch, but it didn't come. Maybe it was for the best. It would be given out of pity, and he didn't care for that.

“You sure you want me to stay?”

“Yeah. Please, don't think I'm bitter.”

“I wasn't thinking that.” He probably was. “I wish I didn't say anything.”

“The thing is,” Hoseok sighed into his hands, “I'm glad you told me, in a way. It makes things easier, you see. Now I know it wasn't really anything I did or didn't do. I never had a chance to begin with.”

Hoseok grew lifeless in his spot. He ached so bad he could just shatter with one heavy breath. When he imagined his life was never really supposed to lead anywhere, he was ashamed. It stung. He had to say something, anything, to make it stop.

“Imagine that. If you were a little less good and I was a little better, we could've ended up in the same group.”

“That would be too bad.”

“Why?” Still shell-shock, Hoseok was quick to be hurt.

“What do you mean, why? We'd be doomed.”

“We'd be together.”

“Like they would allow us to even look at each other,” Kihyun scoffed. “It would be even worse than this.”

Hoseok thought about all Kihyun had said, his last words ringing in his ears.

“It's weird, anyway,” he said at last. “You took a gap year to realize that pop was actually just a shortcut for you, not the goal. And in the meantime, I... for me, pop _is_ the endgame, I want it so much, so bad, but when I was this close to achieving it, I ran. Instead of working hard on myself, I worked hard on being seen. I suppose I took a shortcut, too.”

“It's the industry,” Kihyun reminded him quietly. “I would've done the same. It's what they tell you to do. Show your face before you show your voice.”

“Yeah.”

“Especially when someone looks like you.”

Hoseok laughed a little. It was a short-lived laugh.

“It still doesn't change the fact that I did this to myself. I made myself into a body and a face and now everyone expects me to be their wet dream and I just – I'm so – how do I go back?”

“You can't.” Kihyun picked a blade of grass growing from a crack on the wall and pressed at it until it let out a tart scent. “You can work towards it again, I guess.”

“How, though?”

“Well, don't go into hiding. I want to be able to see you on the TV from time to time.”

“Why?”

“I want to be able to say: _See that? I did that_.”

“You didn't, though,” Hoseok reminded him.

“Not yet.”

He snorted. “You're really so cocky.”

“That's because I'm a rooster.”

“So am I! But you don't hear me say stuff like that!” Not out loud, anyway.

“Too bad.”

Without another word, Kihyun moved over to sit right beside Hoseok. He sat so upright Hoseok looked like a slumped heap of grief next to him. Shaky, he straightened himself up.

As he pulled his shoulders back, his whole torso broadened and his arm leaned into Kihyun's. Not sensing him pull back – not sensing any reaction, really – Hoseok stayed like that, their shoulders pressed together. He relaxed.

Knowing very well Kihyun simply meant to calm him down and show him he was there, Hoseok nevertheless wished for more. He wanted to hold him whole. Let himself be held. He craved for something nice for a change. Looking up, he found out Kihyun was watching him. Hoseok couldn't and wouldn't wait anymore.

He leaned closer, hesitating, until he leaned _in_ and kissed him.

It wasn't a kiss, really, just a brush of lips.

But Kihyun let him do it.

There was a pause; and neither of them did anything except for lower his eyelids. Hoseok lingered, his breath bated, and then he pressed their mouths together again. He parted his lips, touching Kihyun softly.

For a heartbeat or two, that was all they did. Until Kihyun spoke.

“You tell me I am the love of your life the first time we meet, but this is how you kiss me?”

So Hoseok kissed him better.

And, God, when Kihyun kissed back, it was open-mouthed and raw and Hoseok realized he had been waiting, too. He felt Kihyun caress the nape of his neck, pulling him in, only for the contact to disappear and turn into a dance of fingertips behind and over his ear. There was a whispery rustle and Kihyun kneeled, looming a little above Hoseok, cupping his face. He tilted his head back.

Before he closed his eyes completely, he noticed that the shape of Kihyun's upper lip was cut sharper than he had thought. Almost like a little heart.

Kihyun laid into him, and on top of him, and he made sure to cradle Hoseok's head so he wouldn't hurt himself on the gritty ground. They parted for a second in which Kihyun nuzzled at him with the tip of his nose. It made him sadder, somehow, so he took Kihyun by the hair and soon his tongue was back in Kihyun's mouth.

One of his thighs got in between Kihyun's legs. He hoisted it up slowly.

He heard the softest moan.

It broke him a bit. He shrunk away.

He stared into the sky, his eyes dry but burning.

“What is it?” Kihyun's voice was ragged.

“I don't know – I don't know.”

“We don't have to do this.”

“No, I want to.” He did. “It's just...”

“Hoseok, it's alright,” said Kihyun. “I'm scared, too. We can just stop.”

Hopeless, Hoseok whispered: “I'm not scared. But I'm a mess.”

“You're not a mess.”

“Yeah, I am. And a loser, and overdramatic.”

“You're none of that.”

“I am, though. You must think I'm such a fool. I go from a happy drunk to basically having a breakdown in front of you, then I make out with you, and I don't even know you,” his thoughts rushed out until he finally faltered. “And it's only Friday.”

“Can't wait for Saturday, then.”

“Kihyun, I'm being serious. I don't want to do this to you. It's so unfair.”

“Do what?”

“Use you.”

Kihyun was quiet for a bit.

“I don't see it like that. If I can help you somehow, then why the hell not?”

“Because I'm a complete stranger? You shouldn't have to do this. I don't know why you even bother.”

He didn't expect Kihyun to kiss him after that, this time slower, leaving little pecks in between.

He supposed that was answer enough.

When Kihyun pulled away, Hoseok still had his eyes shut.

“I think you're right. You are a bit overdramatic.”

“Meaner,” said Hoseok, not opening his eyes.

“But then again, you did go through something dramatic. It's just... natural to have a dramatic reaction to dramatic events in your life. It doesn't make you weak.”

“No. But being weak makes you weak.”

“What kind of top-notch philosophy is that?”

“I wasn't good enough. I was...”

“Oh, don't. Don't.” For a second, he was sure Kihyun would make him stop; fill his mouth; make him forget; but he only nuzzled at him with his nose again. It was sweeter, and sadder. “If you want to talk crap about yourself, I have other thing to choose from.”

Hoseok pulled a face.

“Like what.”

“Like the fact that you don't pick your boyfriends up with these arms. Atrocious.”

“I don't even have a boyfriend.”

“Also atrocious.”

“What else?” asked Hoseok. He was almost amused now. In a tired, thoroughly kissed kind of way.

“You put yourself down.”

Hoseok just hummed.

“Not to mention you hit on a guy and then you leave him hanging. Have some manners.”

“And what else?”

“You also seem to have a daddy kink.”

“You're really hung up on that,” Hoseok groaned.

“Well, it did give me a semi when I thought about it later.”

That, in turn, gave a semi to Hoseok.

“Fuck.”

“Oh, no, don't you swear, baby.”

_Fuck_ .

“Don't even do this to me.”

“Why not?”

Hoseok just shook his head.

He didn't know what to do with himself anymore.

His brain was stuck on his failure; his chest ached for Kihyun; his legs wanted to run away from both. Or maybe he wanted to run to Kihyun, no matter how selfish it was, and how temporary.

He'd aged ten years within the last hour.

When he gazed up at Kihyun, he noted his lids had become heavy.

“Do you want to go to sleep yet?” he asked.

“No.” Kihyun ran over the outer line of Hoseok's ears with his fingers. “Do you?”

“No.” Suddenly, as the pale moon appeared above the black peaks of the forest, he got an idea. “I just thought we could finally go for a swim.”

“What?”

“In the pond. I really liked it there.”

And he did. It was the place he associated happiness with.

“Now?”

The surprise was obvious in Kihyun's tone. Perhaps there was a dash of shock or shyness, too. Hoseok hesitated.

“Yeah. It's dark.” He swallowed. “It sorta solves the whole swimsuit problem.”

“The water will be cold.”

“It's alright. I'll keep you warm.”

“Because you're so hot?”

“I didn't even mean it like that.” He hoisted himself up, the grainy stone surface digging into his elbows. He watched Kihyun intently. “Do you wanna go?”

“Yeah.” Kihyun was already getting up. “But are you sure you want to?”

“I'm sure.”

“You won't drown on me, will you?”

“Now who's dramatic.”

When they both stood up, he noticed Kihyun's knuckles were grazed because of the gravel.

 

The way there took some time, though to Hoseok it seemed like no time at all.

With their phone flashlights on, they waded through the humid blackness of the forest, soaking up the sounds of the night.

The pond glistened silver. They turned the lights off, turned their backs to each other and wordlessly started undressing.

But the moon hung high and though its shine was shattered by the branches, it was impossible not to see. They went still after they took off their clothes, and then there was an _I will look if you will_ moment, and Hoseok yearned to look, so he did.

At the very brim, the water was tepid and welcoming. Hoseok took Kihyun's hand and they both went in, rippling the surface. As they submerged, Hoseok thought he made a terrible mistake. The cold was almost too much to bear. Icy daggers cut at his feet and he heard Kihyun's hissed _fuck_ and before he knew it, they were pressed against each other for warmth.

“This was a shitty idea,” said Hoseok with a shaky grin.

“Your shitty idea,” Kihyun reminded him, digging into his sides. “If I lose my voice after this, I will fucking sue you.”

“You won't lose your voice. Not because of the cold, anyway.”

“And what's that supposed to mean?”

Instead of replying, he tilted his head to be kissed.

Kihyun's lips were cold, but his tongue burned. Hoseok gave in to the kiss, pliant under his hands as they trailed up his back and caressed his neck.

For such a petite guy, Kihyun felt firm to the touch. And oh, Hoseok touched him, alright. He crushed their bodies together to the point it was harder to breathe. Hugging him, he brought Kihyun even tighter against him, making him stand on top of his feet. This way, they were the same height. It was already perfect for what they were doing, but that didn't stop Hoseok from hoisting Kihyun up. He dragged him upwards chest to chest, the motion slow, until Kihyun's cock pressed against his belly. Their mouths were open, barely touching.

Kihyun was beautiful like his, boring into him from above, already tracing his jaw with his thumbs to make him tip his head back. They kissed again, deeper this time. Water lapped at them, splashing quietly whenever they moved too fast, whenever their lips crashed together too roughly.

His mouth was scorching hot and when Kihyun pulled back to trail light bites on his throat, he was unprepared for the chill of the air. Still, his body remained warm, most of the heat pooling at his stomach.

Both of them were hard, Hoseok painfully so. He let Kihyun slide down against him, their cocks brushing lightly before Kihyun ground into him.

He hissed. All he could do was lay an open-mouthed kiss on Kihyun's neck and then another one on his shoulder.

That's how he noticed Kihyun was shaking.

“Are you okay?” His own tone surprised him. It was so frail.

“Cold,” Kihyun gritted out, but his expression didn't change. There was no discomfort there, only want.

“Let's move a little? To warm up.”

“You do that. I'll just watch you.”

“Come on, you'll freeze.”

“Not if you hold me.”

Now he found it even tougher to let go, but he did, giving himself in to the water and gliding away from Kihyun. He followed after Hoseok immediately. They crossed the pond once, pausing to embrace and drag spread palms over the each other's arms, sides, and lower back. They whispered some things, hot and silly things, and then Hoseok pushed himself off and swam across the pond again. At the edge, he sat down and waited, the water covering him to his groin.

As Kihyun's feet grazed the sand once more, he started wading through the dark water until he halted in front of Hoseok.

He was still shivering.

Hoseok stood up. His teeth were chattering too when they kissed.

Stumbling towards their things, they laid down on one of the jackets. Outside in the mild air, Hoseok realized Kihyun must have been chilled to the bone. He stroked his arms and back to ease the shaking.

Kihyun rested on top of him, barely moving. Their bodies were clammy and slick, though, and each movement caused Hoseok to gasp. He lifted his hips to rub his dick against Kihyun's thigh.

He heard Kihyun exhale through his nose. Shifting under him, Hoseok pulled his legs apart just enough for Kihyun get in between and locked him in place. Kihyun ground into him once, tentative, making their cocks touch.

_God_ , he hadn't done this in so long. Grasping at Kihyun with too much strength, he brought him tighter to his chest. They moved as one, quick but in lengthy strokes. It was nearly too much pressure – and too little. Soon, their mouths turned sloppy and thrusts rushed.

It was almost as if they were fucking.

Pushing stray strands away from Hoseok's forehead, Kihyun propped himself up, going faster now. His shoulders sloped slight and pale, the carved line of his collarbone collecting shadows. So this was it. He would come looking at Kihyun's face. He didn't even try to look away.

Hoseok could almost feel the familiar tingle when Kihyun moaned into the corner of his mouth, his lips wet and speechless for once. His whole body grew rigid, only his hips kept moving. They both fell out of rhythm after that, Hoseok throwing his head back and gritting his teeth.

Everything went silent except for their deep breathing.

Sweaty and sticky with both of their load, Hoseok laughed a little.

His head was pleasantly empty. The smells of the forest calmed and lulled him.

“Well, fuck,” whispered Kihyun.

“Yep.”

“You alright?”

“Yeah. You?”

“Yeah. Still freezing, though.”

It was true. While Hoseok's body burned and he wanted to laugh out loud, Kihyun _trembled_ after coming. Hoseok found it so precious he squeezed him in his arms, trying to share some of the warmth. He could only imagine what fucking would be like. Would he tremble then, too? Would he come inside him, shaking?

If Kihyun didn't eventually sit up to dry himself off with his crumpled tee, Hoseok would never get up; he would never leave that place. Turning to him, Kihyun wiped his stomach, brushing his limp cock gently. Glancing at each other, they suddenly felt a bit shy and chuckled at their awkwardness. Hoseok lifted himself up, reaching for his clothes.

The way back was long and slow. Hoseok walked Kihyun to the trailer, saying a kiss-less goodnight. Before Kihyun disappeared inside, he looked over his shoulder and Hoseok knew at that moment that a kiss, any kiss, would screw them up both.

He got into the tent at four in the morning.

 

~

 

It was stuffy and too hot already when he woke up. Next to him, Changkyun was lying on his back, an arm under his head so he could stare at his phone comfortably. Apparently, he was texting with someone, the phone buzzing every now and then.

As Hoseok emerged from his sleeping bag, Changkyun wrinkled his nose.

“You stink like a goddamn jangjamari.”

“Good morning to you, too.”

“No, but really. You smell like a literal mudfish.”

“Who are you texting?”

Immediately, Changkyun grew tame, mumbling an unconvincing “no one.”

“Is it that girl?”

“What girl?” asked Changkyun, playing dumb. His pupils were too focused on one spot.

“Is it a boy, then?” Hoseok teased.

“No, and even if it was, I wouldn't be galavanting with him god knows where till four in the fucking morning.”

“How do you even know this? You were all cute and cuddled up and asleep when I got back!”

“I was, before you came lumbering about.”

“Aw. Sorry about that.”

“So, what happened?”

Hoseok just gave him a coy smile.

That seemed to make Changkyun even more done with him. Grumbling something about taking a shower and eating a dick, he crawled outside. Well. Hoseok reckoned he could really use a good wash. He didn't know about the dick part, though.

Reaching into his rucksack for a towel, he heard a rustle as if someone was tapping on the canvas. Soon enough, the flap of the tent was lifted, revealing a very fresh, very radiant Kihyun.

“Hey, husband.”

He froze. Flushed, he stared at Kihyun, who was smiling especially soft in the early sunlight.

It didn't help he was all bright in a white tee and washed-out jeans.

“Morning.”

“You look like you got hit by a truck.”

“You look dashing,” Hoseok blurted.

“I was wondering if you'd like to grab some breakfast,” said Kihyun, seemingly glossing over the compliment. It was obvious from the way the corners of his mouth turned upwards that he liked what he heard.

“Yeah, I... Give me a minute?”

“Might be more than a minute. The lines are endless today.”

“I really need a shower, though.”

“It's alright. I can wait.”

Shirtless, he rummaged for a clean tank top.

“I'll stop by the trailer when I'm done?”

“Sounds good.”

He glanced up.

Even though he felt gross and sleepy, the look on Kihyun's face was telling enough. In one supple movement, he kneeled and leaned towards Kihyun, taking the kiss he was too weak to handle yesterday. It was only a tiny peck, but it hushed them both for a minute.

“I'll try to hurry.”

It still took about forty minutes before he picked Kihyun up.

Bumping into each other on the way until one of them decided to just hold hands and stop with the foolishness, they got to the square. Hoseok recognized the familiar sun-scorched cherry trees.

“Are you feeling Korean or Western?” asked Kihyun, pointing with his chin to a row of traditional restaurants as well as small cafés.

“We can do both.” He didn't want to go back any time soon.

“Are you that rich?”

“Aren't you, Mr Understudy?”

Kihyun gave him a quick look, almost a startled one. Perhaps he thought Hoseok was being bitter, or that he might go all maudlin on him like he had yesterday. Squeezing his hand, he pulled Kihyun towards a cosy Korean place. It was nearly empty, the plump owner welcoming them like two lost sons.

Settling into a corner, Hoseok sat across of Kihyun, who hogged the cushioned bench. He claimed he needed a full view of the whole room to be comfortable and Hoseok honestly didn't mind; he just needed a full view of Kihyun because he was that mushy.

Also because Kihyun was very pleasant to look at today.

And, he presumed, any other day, too.

Since Hoseok's stomach was basically bottomless, and especially so in the morning, they ordered a whole bunch of side-dishes with their soup and rice. Hoseok started feasting at once.

“You ruined the whole composition,” Kihyun complained as he pulled out his phone. He snapped several pictures of the array of bowls and trays, re-positioning some of them as Hoseok watched.

“Do you do that often? Taking photos instead of eating.”

“Look, you old man yelling at clouds, don't be all snide about it. I have a social account to upkeep.”

They shared a look. Hoseok knew that Kihyun wasn't being snappish, he was just being himself; and yet there was something pulling the both of them back from easy banter. They picked the side-dishes with their chopsticks, eating with relish. In the growing silence, they were becoming a little too aware of the other one's presence. In the end, Hoseok decided to break the ice.

“It's a bit awkward, isn't it. Now that we dry humped and touched each other's peens.”

“What the frick is a peen.”

“What the fuck is a frick.”

Kihyun lifted up the camera and took a snap of him menacingly before getting back to his breakfast. It made Hoseok smile.

He leaned into the table.

“That account of yours. Can I see it?”

“Nope. There isn't really much besides food, anyway.”

“No cheeky selfies?”

“Define cheeky.”

Hoseok smiled, glad that Kihyun took the bait. He tapped his cheek, which was round since he was chewing on a particularly big bite.

“Of course, I meant selfies of you eating.”

“Did you now.”

“Well, I wouldn't peg you for a guy who takes any other kind of cheeky selfies, anyway.” He brought a bite to his face, pausing. “Do you?”

“I suppose you'll never know.”

Hoseok nudged at him with his leg.

“But _do you_?”

“Geez. It would ruin my reputation if I posted anything like that on a public platform.”

“You're not saying no.”

At that, Kihyun gave him a smirkless smirk, which he somehow managed to pull with his eyes alone.

“Anyway. You're the one whose shirtless pictures are all over the Internet.”

“Did you look me up?”

Kihyun didn't say anything.

“Oh my god. You did.”

“Well, I cannot exactly go skinny dipping with a complete stranger, can I? Who do you take me for?”

“So you know all kinds of stuff about me. Like, my birthday. The school I went to.”

“You're making me sound like a creep.”

“Well, you did lurk.”

“I had to make sure you're not some kind of drug addict, or a cannibal.”

“How did you go from cannabis to cannibalism in one sentence?”

“That's how my brain works. I get paranoid and then I have to control everything.”

Hoseok took a mouthful. He was thoughtful for a bit.

“So. Did you like the pictures?”

Not missing a beat, Kihyun replied: “Fuck, yeah. But you look better now. There's more meat on you.”

“Like, I'm chubby.”

Now it was Kihyun's turn to nudge him under the table.

Hoseok chuckled, too pleased to care. He trapped Kihyun's leg in between his ankles.

“I think I should Google search you, too. Just for the sake of fairness,” he said after a while.

“I mean, knock yourself out. I'm kinda worried you haven't done it yet. I could be a cannibal.”

“You didn't eat me yesterday, so I think I'm safe.”

“I wasn't feeling that pond water dick.”

Hoseok choked.

“I meant it literally!”

Kihyun had the grace to blush.

“Well.”

“Um.”

“So.”

“Were you going to?”

“Can we have a normal breakfast like two civilized persons?” asked Kihyun, flustered.

“You were the one who brought up eating dick!” Hoseok shot back in a loud whisper.

“And now I will never bring it up again.”

To shift the topic, Kihyun reached into his back pocket and spread out a neatly folded concert schedule. He studied the paper for a bit before pushing it towards Hoseok.

“Anything you wanna see today?”

_You chomping on my dick._

Out loud, Hoseok said: “...The Astronuts?”

He promptly cursed them for choosing such name.

“Okay.”

“I don't really know them, though. It's Changkyun who cares for this indie kind of music.”

“I don't know them, either.” Kihyun dragged the leaflet back with the tip of his finger, swallowing a mouthful. He touched his lips on instinct, his eyes still downcast. “We can catch them if we skip the second breakfast.”

“Aw.”

“I'll cook for you later if you want.”

“Oh, darling, we have a deal.”

 

~

 

They managed to get there in time and though they were both new to the band, it was an enjoyable hour they spent in the sparse crowd. Although he had no excuse to do so, seeing that there were no people pushing about, Hoseok kept close to Kihyun, sneaking an arm around him at first, then the other one, and then hugging him from behind like the day before. On their way there, they bought slushies which left their tongues sweetly red and deep purple. Whenever he saw Kihyun's lips after that, all he could think about was how he had trembled in his arms, cold and spent.

It might have given him a hard-on and Kihyun might have noticed.

After, they trailed alongside merch stalls, Hoseok walking funny the first few metres to Kihyun's amusement. They browsed the goods, stopping every now and then when they saw something interesting. Almost at the gates, Hoseok made a turn, pulling Kihyun with him. In one of the stalls, they were selling cute keychains and Hoseok spotted a howling wolf. It reminded him of Changkyun. He patted his pockets, searching for his wallet. Though the thing cost more than he'd be willing to pay to get it for himself, as a keepsake for Changkyun it suddenly seemed reasonably priced.

“What is this furry shit?”

There was a hint of smile in his voice as Kihyun leaned over his shoulder, resting his chin there. Hoseok wondered if he were standing on his tippy-toes, but all coherent thoughts left him as Kihyun's fingertips started dancing up and down his biceps.

“It's cute.”

“I didn't know you liked wolves.”

“I don't. Changkyun does.”

He tried to be as attentive to the vendor as possible, remembering his thank yous and all, but it was difficult not to get distracted with Kihyun so close to him. As he pocketed his wallet, he caught a glimpse of a hamster figurine stuffing its mouth and it reminded him of Kihyun munching on his rice. Feeling sly, he turned over his shoulder.

“Is there any animal you like?”

“Sharks, I guess? But please, don't get me a cheesy keychain.”

“It's not cheesy, it's adorable!”

“I guess.”

“It is!”

“Whatever you say.”

Hoseok pouted.

“Okay,” said Kihyun, placating him. “What about you? Do you have a favourite?”

“Bunnies, but there weren't any.”

“Bummer.”

“You don't sound sorry at all.”

“Yeah, I will save money I would've otherwise have to spend on a cheesy keychain.”

“It's not cheesy!” he defended, clutching the wolf to his chest. “I really can see where that shark vibe is coming from.”

“Likewise,” said Kihyun, flicking his ear ever so gently.

Hoseok swatted him away at first, but when Kihyun pet his ear again, he melted into it.

Still, he did his best to be fussy so Kihyun would shower him with more touches. He was clever like that.

At the entrance to the tent city, they got separated. He tried to convince Kihyun to accompany him, but was appeased by the idea of an early lunch instead. Saying a sad goodbye even though they were going to see each other in a moment, he kissed Kihyun hard before letting him go.

He set off in the direction of Jooheon's tent, spotting his squad from afar. Or, what was left of it in the noon heat. Neither Jooheon nor Changkyun were there and he searched among the faces to find a familiar one. In the end, Gunhee emerged from the tent with a mouth-splitting yawn, barely awake, and told him that his kid brother went to take a nap.

Feeling guilty for his little outing and for waking Changkyun up at night, he strolled to their tent. A giggle could be heart from the inside. Thinking Changkyun was up already and snickering at memes on his phone, he knelt down and quietly pulled up the zipper.

In that very moment, his eyes were scorched and permanently blinded, or at least he wished they were.

He yelped something inaudible, pulling the zipper back down.

“Hyung?!”

The canvas muffled Changkyun's voice. Another one, a feminine gasp, came right after it.

“The heck are the two of you doing!” Hoseok demanded. “In my tent!”

“Hyung, it's not what you think!”

The tent started dancing as Changkyun was probably getting up, tripping over himself.

“And what is it, then! Are you just trying to tickle each other?!” he blared.

Actually, what they were doing _did_ kind of look like something between having sex and tickling each other to death. Hoseok was appalled. He pulled the flaps shut and dashed off.

When he reached the trailer, the guys were already giving him expectant looks. He wasn't sure if it was because they had heard him yell, or because it was his speedy arrival that threw them off.

Minhyuk was the one to ask first.

“What was that all about?”

“They are soiling my tent!”

Even Kihyun got curious now. “Soiling it, how?”

“They're fucking,” said Hoseok abysmally.

“Well, what're you still doing here, then?”

“Shut it, Minhyuk,” said Kihyun with dignity.

Hoseok sat down, all heavy with the sense of betrayal.

“I am _so_ not going back there. Like, ever.”

“Why, not a fan of the earthy fragrance of rubber and spunk?” asked Hyungwon conversationally.

“Because if you're not, you came to the wrong place.”

“ _Shut it_ , Minhyuk.”

“How can I shut up at a time like this? Changkyun is finally popping his cherry. It's a memorable moment we should celebrate. Where's my beer?”

“No, no way. It's a moment I'd rather forget,” said Hoseok sourly. He rubbed at his face, feeling tired and old. “He's, like, twelve! He shouldn't be messing around like that!”

Minhyuk smiled sweetly and looked down at his phone. Patting the greasy display with his fast fingertips, his smile grew wider and wider until it was positively shit-eating. He set the phone down on the table, still smiling, waiting.

Suddenly,  _Fucking_ by Scars on Broadway started playing. Hoseok knew enough English to want to strangle Minhyuk at that moment.

“Funny.”

“You know it is.”

“You can stay here,” Kihyun said, interrupting the exchange. “Overnight, I mean.”

That got Minhyuk to sober up. “Oh,  _hell_ no. Then  _you_ two are going to fuck.”

“We are not going to fuck,” retorted Kihyun.

“Said he, lyingly, like a liar.”

“Just bring your sleeping bag and you're all set,” Kihyun told Hoseok.

“You'd let me?”

“Yeah. It's my trailer, after all.”

Minhyuk pulled a long face.

“I see. There is no democracy here.”

“You can democratically sleep outside. ”

“So this is what I get for the years and years of friendship. This is the reward for all my kindness and wingman skills and carefully picked gifts.” Minhyuk crossed his arms and stretched his long legs. “Exile.”

“When was the last time you actually gave me a present? Any present?”

“On your birthday!”

“That wasn't a present. That was mockery.”

“It was a masterpiece.”

“Was it something handmade?” Hoseok guessed.

“Yes. But worse. He gave me a _Give Me That Debussy_ hoodie,” said Kihyun testily.

“It was a thoughtful gift and I am still upset that you don't wear it!”

“That doesn't sound that bad?” Hoseok looked from one to the other, not hiding his confusion. “Unless you hate the Debussy guy.”

“The last five letters of his name were capitalized.”

“I don't think I get... Oh.”

Hoseok smiled a little.

“You find it funny?” Kihyun's glare cut through him.

“A little.”

“ _Thank_ you,” exclaimed Minhyuk. “Finally, someone's on my side.”

“I am not on anyone's side,” said Hoseok, still smiling.

“You should be on mine,” Kihyun shot back at him. “I'm the love of your life.”

“Ugh, gross!” exclaimed Minhyuk.

The worst thing was, he probably was.

The three of them sat in the shade, chatting and watching Kihyun chop ginger, veggies, and mushrooms beside the portable stove. Music from Minhyuk's phone tinkled on low volume; the quality was awful, but the song was nice. Eventually, Hoseok perked up enough to get up and loiter behind Kihyun. Trying to be helpful, he got scolded immediately, and then almost mischievously resigned himself to trying to steal pickled radish.

As the grand finale, Kihyun peeled four cloves of garlic.

“No, don't put that in!” said Hoseok in a hurry.

“Why?” he asked with some suspicion. “If you hate garlic, we can't be friends.”

“I like it, but... But we won't be able to kiss,” he tried to say in a hushed tone. Of course, Hoseok's hushed tone wasn't exactly hushed.

“Please,” said Minhyuk in that omnipresent and omniscient way of his. “He eats ass. He can handle your garlicky breath.”

Hoseok blanched before sputtering out. He laughed wide and hard, but there was a tinge of embarrassment to his glee because there was no way he wasn't thinking what he was thinking, and there was no way the others didn't know. Meanwhile, Kihyun seemed disgruntled by the comment, though he did his best not to let it show.

At last, he uttered: “And you don't?”

Minhyuk sipped loudly at his beer before answering.

“No, I'm cultured. I let the others do it. Like, if you wanna do it so bad? Kindly dig in, my dude. It's your loss. It's like, I'd let a foot fetishist slurp my toes, but do _I_ need to taste the defeat? I think the fuck not.”

“Tune in for more pearls of wisdom,” said Hyungwon pleasantly.

“I guess ass is going to be the only thing for the two of you to eat today,” Kihyun spat at his friends, stirring the stew.

“For real, no democracy in this place!”

“I'd eat Hyunwoo's ass,” said Hyungwon after a thoughtful rumination with his rum.

“You wouldn't, you would chicken out like the bottom you are,” retorted Minhyuk.

“I would. It's a nice ass.”

“Yeah, I'd rather lick the rest of him.”

“Sounds good, too. He's got the hottest syntax I've ever seen.”

A very angry “Fuck off!” was all he got from Minhyuk.

Adding spices into the pot, Kihyun deadpanned.

“Welcome in hell, we've got linguistics and rimming.”

Naturally, that was the exact moment a sheepish Changkyun chose to appear.

“Should I just go while I still have the chance?” he asked instead of hellos.

“Who said you still have the chance?” Minhyuk patted the seat next to him.

“Well, look who's here.” Hoseok threw his brother a look. Not just any look, The Look. “The prodigal son.”

“Take a seat,” Kihyun called at Changkyun, “he'll be less touchy after he eats.”

“I'm kinda hungry, too,” Changkyun piped up, nestling in the offered chair.

“There's enough for everyone.”

“Sweet.”

“Don't you think you're spoiling him?” Hoseok turned to Kihyun.

“Let him be. He must be starving after all that work out.” Looking up, his eyes crinkled. “You know how it is.”

Hoseok felt his ears go warm.

“I don't think he deserves to be babied right now.”

“Kihyun can't help it,” said Minhyuk, “he's a parent at heart.”

“We thought you knew?” Hyungwon put his two cents in.

“I'll baby you, too, if that helps.”

Hoseok relented. “It helps.”

“Aww,” said Changkyun, smiling. “That's gross.”

Prickling all over again, Hoseok turned to him.

“You know what else is gross? My baby brother losing his virginity in a grimy tent at a grimy festival to a random girl.”

“She's not a random girl,” he said, a little sore. “I'm going to ask her out.”

“You should've done that before sleeping with her.”

“I tried, but she was faster,” Changkyun flushed.

It earned him some light chuckles from Minhyuk and Hyungwon, whose pure enjoyment Hoseok did not appreciate at all.

“You two only just met, anyway,” Hoseok reminded him.

“So? I plan on meeting her again after the festival's over. She lives only an hour and a half away from your flat, and you told me that I can live with you when I'm in college, so we'll be able to see each other on the weekends.”

Hoseok stared.

“Look at this determined lil man. That's some dedication right here.”

“Shut it, Minhyuk,” said Hoseok.

“Nobody lets me speak.”

“And anyway,” said Changkyun, preparing his final strike, “it's not like you're not doing the same.”

“I am an adult,” Hoseok pulled the adult card because it was the only answer he had.

“So am I.”

“No, you're not. You still can't drink orange juice with pulp.”

“Neither can you.”

“And you're too shy to ask for refills.”

“So are you!”

“Dude, stop dragging yourself,” Minhyuk told Hoseok in a fake helpful voice.

“Hyung, let's drop it,” pleaded Changkyun, and it was only now that Hoseok noticed he had his jaw set in the way he always did before tearing up.

Suddenly, he felt bad, and hypocritical, and perhaps a little hopeful for the kid.

It was the only kind of hope he could feed on right now. He better hold on to it, too.

It was difficult to speak, but Kihyun beat him to it.

“A peace offering,” he said, very calm, placing a pot and bowls on the table. As he straightened up, he caressed Hoseok's back, looking up at him. He pecked Hoseok on the lips, so domestically it hurt, and then went on to bring more dishes. “Dig in,” he prompted everyone.

They did. It was quiet at the table save for slurping.

At last, Minhyuk looked up.

“So how did you guys popped your cherries?”

“I just lost my appetite,” announced Kihyun.

“Well, no wonder. I know all about yours, Mr Roof Guy.”

“I only told you because you promised you wouldn't tell anyone.”

“Obviously, I lied,” said Minhyuk pleasantly.

“He already told me,” Hyungwon chipped in. Then he threw a stare straight at Kihyun. “Freak.”

Hoseok cocked an ear.

“What was that about a roof?”

“It's nothing.” Kihyun was livid. “Just for your information, it was all planned, and we waited until it was dark, and it was _my_ roof, so technically we didn't even do it in public.”

Hoseok opened his mouth. “I can't believe.”

“It was with my boyfriend at the time, alright? He was into astronomy and space and stuff. I wanted it to be romantic.”

“But his older brother walked on the balcony right when they were about to finish,” Minhyuk chimed in.

“And threw a bucket of water at them,” added Hyungwon, looking positively happy for the first time since Hoseok had met him.

“But they still went on,” Minhyuk cheered.

“I guess that's the only thing you can do when you're busting a nut and your older brother barges in on you,” said Changkyun, bitter.

That made Hyungwon snort into his bowl while Minhyuk didn't even try to hide his joy.

“You shouldn't have snitched,” spoke Kihyun after a moment, not looking at Minhyuk but directing his words at him. There was something ominous about the way his face grew void of emotion. “After all, you told me yours, too.”

“Oh, shit.”

“Should I spin you all a yarn?” Pretending to think, Kihyun picked up a piece of radish with his chopsticks, bringing it to his mouth. He paused. “Or is it too ratchet to tell amongst a polite company?”

“Please,” Hyungwon smiled, “we're not polite.”

“Yeah, out with it.”

All of a sudden, Minhyuk grew tame. His eyes faltered. “Kihyun, don't.”

“I will only say this much.” Relishing in the last bite, he delicately placed his chopsticks down. “It included an exchange student from Sweden and a pink inflatable pool.”

“No way!”

Everyone talked over everyone, trying to pry the whole story out of Minhyuk. In the meantime, Kihyun leaned back in his chair like the god of chaos and revenge, savouring the justice he just served for himself.

He was not to be trifled with, Hoseok realized with a flutter in his belly. For some reason, it only made him want to hold Kihyun, to squish this tiny man. And he did, laying a hand on his thigh and squeezing it. The transition he witnessed as Kihyun's features softened from smug to smiling at Hoseok's touch was priceless.

His belly fluttered again.

“Okay, enough, you damn vultures! I am not telling you!” yelled Minhyuk once and for all. “You can all choke!”

“Like you almost did?” piped up Kihyun.

That brought about another round of bickering and wild guessing, only this time it was even louder. Paper cups were thrown, Changkyun almost overturned his chair, and Hoseok banged the table top with his palm to get everyone's attention when he wanted to share his own ideas. It was a mess.

“For the record!” shouted Minhyuk, standing up. “I didn't almost choke! I almost drowned!”

That killed the conversation for a while. No one really had the strength to do anything beside laugh in Minhyuk's face and sob out tiny strings of chuckles.

Miffled, Minhyuk fell back into his seat.

“I really hate all of you.”

“Snitches get stitches.”

“ _I'm_ in stitches,” Changkyun squeezed out as he reached for an unopened bottle of soju.

Hoseok had half a mind to chide him, but he had no chance as Minhyuk, eager to embarrass someone else, pointed at him.

“You've been awfully quiet.”

“Well, what do you wanna hear?”

“Everything, of course. Don't spare us any gross details.”

“There wasn't really anything gross or weird about it,” he said in all honesty. “I dated this guy and after a while, we just did it.”

“Yeah, but where? How? Did you cry after?”

Hoseok gave him a look.

“It was just normal. We had been together for a while at that point, so we decided to do it when his parents weren't home.”

“No freaky stuff?” Minhyuk's face fell.

“No freaky stuff. He was in the middle of his transition, so it was all sweet and careful.” He didn't even blush when he said it. “We mostly just, y'know...”

“Yeah. Yeah, I guess we get it,” said Minhyuk.

“Anyway, he's a model now.”

“How do you now? Did you lurk?”

“No, we still talk.”

Kihyun raised an eyebrow. “With your ex boyfriend? That happens? In real life?”

“Yeah? I'm friends with most of my exes.” He noticed their stunned expressions. “You guys don't hang around with people you used to date?”

“Well, mine's in Sweden,” said Minhyuk.

“Mine cheated,” said Kihyun, his tone as matter-of-fact as Minhyuk's.

“Damn...” His throat went dry. Hoseok couldn't help but press at Kihyun's thigh again, this time soothingly. Kihyun, though, didn't seem to care either way.

“He was a bit of a weenie, anyway,” muttered Minhyuk, blowing hair away from his face. “I mean, the guy had one of those solar system models in his dorm.”

“That was kinda cute, actually,” said Kihyun.

“He made Uranus jokes.”

“To be fair, I made one first and he just loved it.”

“He really thought the Big Bang Theory was the peak of culture and comedy.”

“You're right. He was a weenie.”

“I guess we've all dated a fair share of weenies,” said Hyungwon wisely.

“Yeah, and you probably date the weeniest of them all, since you never even bother to introduce them to us. It's like you know their asses are gonna get dropped within a month.”

“And it's usually the case,” agreed Hyungwon.

“You must have a lot of stories to tell,” Hoseok chipped in.

Hyungwon shrugged.

“Not really. I still got my V-card, you nasties.”

“No way,” exclaimed Changkyun. “And you made fun of me? You?”

“You are easy to make fun of.”

In the sudden quiet, it was Kihyun who spoke first.

“Is it because of your gargantuous crush on Hyunwoo?” It was hardly a question.

“Might be.”

It felt like the right time to open a few more bottles, bring out more ice, and head towards the stage after arming themselves with plastic cups and snapbacks. For once, they decided to watch from the stands. They couldn't see much of what was happening on the stage, but the music carried towards them just fine, making it easy to talk without having to shout.

By the time the second or third band came on, Hoseok decided he had been pretty fussy with Changkyun and, sheepish, he shoved the tiny wolf in his hand as a peace offering.

The vindication was real when Changkyun exclaimed that it was “super cute.” Hoseok threw a winning glance at Kihyun, who just smiled at him.

They didn't leave their spots until the clouds darkened, letting out a drizzle to cool off the parched concrete.

 

~

 

The fine rain lasted until the sky turned from grey to violet and from violet to black. The lights were on inside the trailer, dim and yellow. The kettle was boiling with a whistle, drowning out a tune Kihyun was singing. For a moment, Kihyun stopped, pouring water into two cups.

They were alone in the trailer, Changkyun ditching their group after the concert to get chummy with his soon-to-be girlfriend and the boys leaving not too long ago after the raindrops became a mere mist. From the amount of suggestive winks Minhyuk had graced them with while leaving with Hyungwon in tow, it was safe to say they were going to be away for a while.

Of course, it was because Hyunwoo had asked them to see Sinawe with him, since he had the soul of a forty year old man, and neither of the guys was going to say no.

Hoseok didn't mind the relative solitude. Not if it meant he got to sprawl out on one of the bunks, chilling in his shorts and a borrowed hoodie as he listened to Kihyun's humming.

He propped himself up on one elbow when Kihyun sat down at the edge of the bunk, handing him a cup of coffee. It was late-ish, but neither of them was in the mood to go to sleep just yet. They weren't in the mood to go outside, either. Stuffing some pillows against the wall, Hoseok sat down, leaving one of his arms stretched out. Kihyun got the memo and nestled next to him. The bed was narrow, their sides touching, thighs pressed against each other.

Kihyun's hip bone was skinny and pointed and it dug into Hoseok. Pulling Kihyun the tiniest bit upwards, he found a better position for them to snuggle in. Satisfied, he took a gulp of the coffee. Like anything prepared by Kihyun, it was the best thing he'd ever tasted.

He told him so.

“Hoseok, you are making it so easy to be cheeky with you.”

“You and your dick talk! I was trying to be nice!” he defended himself. “But speaking of cheeky.”

“Yeah?”

“I recall a certain conversation we had this morning.”

“Do you?”

“Hmm.” He savoured another swallow. The coffee was really so goddamn good. “It was about cheeky selfies.”

“I told you I don't publish any.”

“But do you take them?”

“No, you great dork. With body like mine?”

“What's wrong with your body?”

“First of all, next to yours it's almost non-existent.”

Hoseok laughed at that, both pleased and amused. “That's not true.”

“Well, yeah, at least our cocks are the same.”

“You really can't seem to stop talking about dicks!”

“I won't do it anymore, then. No more dicks from me, you dictator.”

Hoseok squinted.

“What?” asked Kihyun, swivelling his cup. “Is something wrong with my diction?”

“You are a cheeseball.”

“Those weren't even proper puns, so you can't be mad. For real, the spelling is different. Look it up in a dictionary.”

“Why am I into you again?”

All dimply with mischief, Kihyun smiled.

“You want me to answer that?”

“No.”

“Okay. But I would've put a lot of dedication into that answer.”

“Kihyun, I swear.”

Kihyun pecked him, his lips warm and smooth. There was a bitter tinge to them because he took his coffee without any sugar. He did put in a dash of cinnamon, though. Tasting it, Hoseok sighed.

“You're trying to make me forget about those cheeky selfies,” he whispered, his eyes closed.

“I really don't take any,” said Kihyun, pulling away from him – as much as the bunk would allow him.

“We should take one together, then.”

“A cheeky one?”

“Any one.”

“Why?”

“Don't you want to remember me?”

“I think I will remember you even without a picture.”

“Yeah, but... Don't you want to, I dunno, be able to look back sometimes?”

“Again, I'll be able to do that without a picture.”

“You do that, then,” said Hoseok, taking the last draught and setting the mug on the floor. He fiddled with his phone for a bit, searching for a cute filter. “I want to take a photo with you.”

“You're so mushy.”

“Don't grumble.”

“I don't want to take that pic.”

“Why?”

“Why should we?”

“Look, if you don't want to see it, I just won't send it to you, then.” Hoseok squished Kihyun to his chest. Laying his head on Kihyun's shoulder, he looked up. “Humour me?”

“It'll only be shittier later if we do this.”

“Let me decide that.”

Giving in without another word, Kihyun leaned into him, trying to fit into the frame. The first few snaps turned out blurry, but Hoseok persisted, making silly faces and striking handsome poses. Beside him, Kihyun did very little. He gave Hoseok the chance to take a picture of his profile, though, which in his opinion made up for the lack of enthusiasm on his side.

As Kihyun turned his head, he laid a kiss on top of Hoseok's hair, and another, and, very softly, another one.

Taking the last snap, his arm went limp.

Maybe Kihyun was right.

Did he care, though?

He pawed at Kihyun to make him slid down. Their mouths met once, twice, and soon they were kissing each other's breath away. They went slow but fervent and Hoseok felt his tongue tingle and burn.

He was sorry when Kihyun eventually stopped, but he didn't push it.

Instead, they snuggled and browsed stuff on Hoseok's phone, talking music. Kihyun showed him a singer named Stromae who filmed pretty sick music videos and wrote his own songs. It didn't even surprise him the guy's voice had the rare capability to shatter something within him and lull him right after. Kihyun was a sucker for anything odd and beautiful, after all.

Both of them were holding the phone at the same time. They let one of Stromae's songs play again, the one that Hoseok found the most chill because it had a rap part. Becoming playful as he tugged at the phone to hog it, Hoseok typed Kihyun's name into the search bar.

“You looked me up, so I should do it, too,” he declared.

“Suit yourself. Nothing will show up if you only put my first name in, anyway.”

“Aw.” Nuzzling at Kihyun, he asked: “Aren't you gonna tell me your last name? I mean, it's about time, isn't it.”

“You didn't tell me yours, either. I had to lurk.”

“But you knew my stage name!”

“Too bad that I don't have any.”

“Tell me?”

“It's Yoo.” It was a quick victory, but it came at a price. “But why do you need to know? We'll never meet again.”

“You don't know that,” said Hoseok, his eyes trained at the screen. He tapped the additional characters in, waiting for the search results to show up.

“I do, though. I do know that.”

“Do you live on the moon? Is that why we can't see each other ever again, to the end of the eternity?”

“I do not live on the moon,” Kihyun rolled his eyes.

“Where _do_ you live, then?”

The question came out before he thought it over. Bating his breath, he acted as if he wasn't petrified, still staring at the screen. A lot of photos of Kihyun in hanbok were coming up and gosh, he seemed so small and tender in the traditional attire. When he scrolled down, professionally taken photographs appeared. In most of them, Kihyun was standing on the stage and had his eyebrows drawn in that gentle, focused way of his, his lips parted. It was too similar to the expression he had had before coming on his stomach, Hoseok thought, shying away from the pictures to face the real Kihyun instead.

It wasn't any better.

“So?” Hoseok prompted him, a little weakly.

“I live in Seoul.”

“So do I!”

“Yeah, I figured.”

“Well then,” said Hoseok, lifting himself up to look at Kihyun properly. “I don't get it.”

“You don't have to.”

“No, what is it? Are you really dying? Or, is your family like super religious? Are you still in the closet? But that can't be, you've dated before.” Out of nowhere, a nasty thought hit him. “Hold up, is that it? Are you still in love with that Uranus guy?”

“It's neither of that.”

“Do you only date successful people, then?”

He meant it to sound as a joke, but it didn't.

Yesterday's conversation came crashing at them, reminding them both of Hoseok's near-breakdown. Kihyun knitted his brow.

“Don't...”

“I really don't see what other reason you could have.”

“ _Don't._ It's not it. You know full well that's not it.”

“But there isn't anything else that would make me so –“ Unlovable. “– undateable.”

“Are you being serious?”

“Yeah. You won't even consider meeting up after this – this hook-up. That must mean you think I'm a fuck up with no future.”

“Where is this coming from?” Kihyun gaped at him. “Do you think I'm that shallow? You're so obsessed with that one failure that you think everyone sees you the way you see yourself. I'm telling you. _It's not it_!”

“One failure,” Hoseok laughed. “It's my whole life. And I fucked it up.”

“You didn't.”

“I did. I let them do this to me.”

“No fucking way. This might be even harder for you to accept, but you gotta realize that it was completely causeless. Anyone could've ended up the way you did. Anyone could've been screwed over. And some people were, not just you,” said Kihyun, his tone guarded. “It's gonna hurt to realize you lost, what, two years of your life agonizing over something you couldn't have possibly affected no matter how hard you tried. But when you let go of it... I don't know. I don't know, hyung. I'm making it sound so easy, and I don't mean to, but you gotta _realize_ you're so much better than this. Don't give me that look, you are. Because they sidetracked you, they actually made you gain so much. You're already ahead of people like me.”

He rushed, rambled, even, despite the calm of his voice. The need to talk, the anger, both of it was visible only in the sharp pull of his cheekbones as he spoke.

Hoseok's heart turned into a hummingbird in his throat. Now, that tiny bird that wanted to fly right to Kihyun.

He was so fucking sappy and sad. It didn't make sense. It felt good.

He caught Kihyun mid-sentence, all but hauling him close. His arm hugging Kihyun's midriff, forehead resting on his collarbone, he breathed out. Perhaps he was crushing his hip with his fingers, holding him so tight it was no longer a need to be loved, but to love. He didn't know. He didn't know.

At that moment, he would give everything to understand Kihyun.

To make him understand.

And then Kihyun was hugging him, pressing kisses into his skin, his mouth.

It was different than the night at the pond. Back then, they had been level-headed; they had known what they were doing. They had seduced each other, even.

There was nothing of that as they tugged and bit at each other, their feet tangled.

Moaning, Hoseok dragged Kihyun on top of him as if he were a paper doll. Kihyun immediately cupped his face, making him tilt back to suck at his jaw. He pulled at the hem of Hoseok's hoodie, kissing the warm skin, tracing his clavicle.

Both of them got hard too soon from too little. Neither of them cared.

With one of Kihyun's leg in between his thighs, he thrust against him.

“Fuck, hyung...”

Hoseok almost drowned within himself. He grasped at Kihyun so hard he must've bruised him, must've made his arms ache. Forcing himself to ease the grip, he nevertheless brought Kihyun towards him.

He really was so petite.

“I could... I could crush you.”

“Do it.”

“No. No, I don't want to hurt you.”

“Crush me just a little bit, then.”

His cock throbbed. He grabbed Kihyun by the nape of his neck, using little force but still guiding him easily where he wanted him. Kihyun took it all, repaying him with much gentler touches, as if mindful of the fact that Hoseok didn't like pain; no type of pain.

Stroking his stomach, Kihyun opened his mouth over Hoseok's nipple and breathed hot through the thick fabric.

“I want to suck your dick.”

“You don't –“ he gasped out, Kihyun's hand already stroking him, palm spread and firm, “– have to.”

“Let me do it.”

Hoseok didn't even know whether he was begging him, or commanding him. Dragging himself up, he took off his hoodie, tearing at Kihyun's sweater to get him out of it. The rest came off right after that. When they were naked, this time in the dim buzzing light, they paused to breathe, and to look, and then Kihyun was kneeling in between his thighs.

He barely even spread his legs before Kihyun swallowed him whole. Groaning, he buried his hand in Kihyun's hair, letting it run silky over his fingers. He watched his girth disappear, sensed the wetness around him. It sent a spasm to his belly.

Pushing at his inner thighs to open him more, Kihyun took a hold of him. The curve of his upper lip stretched over Hoseok's dick. He took him in, and took him in deeper, and then he looked up.

He'd never looked better than with his cheeks full of Hoseok's cock.

In another stroke, it filled his throat, too.

Hoseok's mouth hung open. His voice grew strained, his shoulders tense. He fisted Kihyun's hair and pulled at it a little, making him move faster. The way Kihyun exhaled through his nose in shallow gusts was messing with his head.

And then there was the subtle push of a thumb against his asshole, pressing against it but not into it, never in. He almost lifted his hips. Breathing out hard and loud, Hoseok may have said his name.

Kihyun lifted his eyes again and they were glazed, almost teary. He took the cock out of his mouth and, soft and glistening, run his tongue over the tip.

The thumb  _circled_ him.

It took them both by surprise when Hoseok came. He brought Kihyun closer to his cock, making the tip go back in between his lips. His whole body clenched as he cried out.

He collapsed backwards, uttering almost a laugh.  _Fuck_ .

He heard a rustle as Kihyun pulled himself up, resting his knee on the edge of the bunk. His mouth was smeared and at the sight of it, Hoseok groaned again. He felt hot all over.

“You got it all over my fucking face,” whispered Kihyun.

“Didn't mean to,” said Hoseok, too weak to focus.

Kihyun crouched over him, lying on top of him in a fluid motion. Choking up, Hoseok shifted under him so his now tender cock wouldn't be under so much pressure. Blindly, he reached behind his shoulder and patted the covers, looking for the hoodie. When he found it, he hauled it by the sleeve and used it to wipe some of the stuff off Kihyun's chin.

Gosh, he was pretty like this.

And still hard.

Hoseok snaked a hand in between them and wrapped it around him.

“Want me to do you? Like you did?”

“Just use your hand,” Kihyun gritted out, grabbing at Hoseok's fist to make him squeeze tighter. “I'm almost there.”

“For real? From sucking me off?”

Kihyun just hummed.

It was a tie between looking at Kihyun's face and cock. Both flushed, both wet, both twitching, it was one damn sight. Hoseok clutched him in his palm as firm as Kihyun wanted him to; and within a few strokes, he was done.

He shivered even now in the stuffy warmth of the trailer as he came with a hiss.

Hoseok held him close, not minding the mess.

To his amazement, Kihyun kissed him when he stilled, cradling his head again to plant pecks on his ears and throat. He went at it until they were both sticky.

Maybe it was Kihyun's revenge. But they say revenge is sweet.

After a while, Kihyun propelled himself up. Resting his elbow by Hoseok's head and fondling his earlobe, he gazed down at him.

They didn't say anything for a minute. It was Hoseok who broke the silence.

“You're shaking like crazy.”

“Geez. Thanks for pointing that out.”

“It's cute.”

“You think that everything is cute.”

Rubbing at Kihyun's arm, he asked: “Does it happen all the time?”

“Only when I come hard.”

Hoseok inhaled.

He really did say some shameless stuff.

“Feel better now?” whispered Kihyun.

A blush burned Hoseok's face.

“I... yeah.”

“Because I can go down on you again,” said Kihyun, only partly joking.

“Please. I will die.”

“Alright, you big baby.” Rolling off Hoseok's chest, he stretched out beside him. Their legs were dangling from the bed. “Next time you start doubting yourself, ask someone to give you a head.”

“I don't want _someone_. I want you.”

He blamed the orgasm. It made him open and silly.

“You've got me.”

“You don't get it. I want you. When we're in Seoul and all.”

There was a halt.

“We've talked about this.”

“We haven't, actually.”

“Hoseok, don't start again. Not now.”

“When, if not now?”

“Never, preferably,” muttered Kihyun.

“I don't get it. What's wrong with me, then?”

“Nothing! It's not a big deal. I just won't date anyone until... Look, it doesn't matter.”

“No, tell me. I want to know.”

“I won't stay in Korea.”

“You're going somewhere?” Hoseok asked. In a sense, he already knew what was coming. “Like, for an exchange trip or something?”

“No, nothing like that.”

“What then?”

“I will finish my studies and then... then it's done. I'm gone.”

“To where?”

“Europe, probably. I'll see what's next, but I think I'll stay there.”

“Why Europe?”

“Because I will always have parts there. I will always get paid.” Pausing, he licked the corner of his mouth. “I'll be able to travel multiple countries within days, even hours. I'll never be as miserable as some of the artists I know.”

“So this is... not just a wish. It's solid.”

“Yeah. I've sort of been scouted already.”

Hoseok stared at him.

Eventually, he found his tongue.

“That's amazing.”

Softly, Kihyun said: “Yeah. It is.”

“And you really want to go?”

“I really do. I want to go so much.”

“What about your family?” Hoseok asked faintly.

“That's been settled. My brother studied in Europe, so we've all been through this before. It's not perfect, of course, but it's manageable. To see each other.”

_Then I really don't see why we can't be together_ .

He kept that thought for himself. Instead, he looked at Kihyun long and longing, taking him in as if he were about to dissipate right away, disappearing somewhere to Italy or France.

“I'm glad,” he said at last.

They both lied there, a little lifeless, until Kihyun put his hand on his shoulder, drawing small circles with his fingertips. Either he was shy, or sorry.

“Can we finally drop this?” he asked, very quiet.

“Yeah. Yeah, whatever you want, love.”

At first, he thought Kihyun would withdraw from him as the caresses on his skin ceased. Even Hoseok didn't know how to read his own voice at that moment.

In the end, Kihyun decided to let it slide and burrowed against his side.

Hoseok couldn't do much but embrace him while he still had the chance.

 

~

 

When they woke up, there were five people in the trailer.

It seemed that after they had left the venue, Minhyuk and Hyungwon brought Hyunwoo with them, seeing that he was passed out on the couch. He was sitting up, his head thrown back and mouth agape. Minhyuk was curled up in his lap while Hyungwon was resting against his side, his face buried in Hyunwoo's shoulder. They didn't even change before falling asleep, which meant they must have talked in little whispers after they had returned until they dozed off.

Tip-toeing, Hoseok and Kihyun grabbed a few things, passing the sleeping trio. Outside, it was still slightly chilly, the ground damp. Hoseok tried to pull the hem of the borrowed hoodie lower so it would cover his midriff.

They sat down and boiled water in a small pot, chewing on some rice triangles as they waited. The coffee was delicious, as expected, and it brought life back into Kihyun's face. With his hair pushed back and his widow's peak showing, he looked mighty fine.

Hoseok presumed he was puffy, but he didn't care. He stared right ahead, following Kihyun's movements and quirks; the way he tilted his head sharply when he was dissatisfied or doubtful; the way his cheekbones appeared a second before he dropped a corny line.

He wasn't being corny today, though.

Setting down the empty mug, Kihyun stretched. There was something clouding his mind.

“You're all fidgety,” said Hoseok quietly. Maybe he was mad at him for pushing the subject yesterday. For freaking out like that, _again_.

“It's nothing. I have to drive to the city. We're running out of stuff since we planned to leave today.” He cracked his neck softly. “The guys said they don't mind leaving tomorrow morning instead, but I better fucking scadoodle for some fucking food. I am quoting Minhyuk verbatim, by the way.”

“I could go with you.”

“It's not far. I won't be away for long.”

So he knew what Hoseok was thinking, and he was thinking it, too.

“Should I wait here so you can find me right away?”

Kihyun looked up. He was so grave.

“No, it's alright. We'll find each other somehow.”

Reclining in his chair, Hoseok hid his face behind the mug.

Yeah, they would. That's what they always do.

“We should exchange numbers, anyway. So we don't waste time.”

Of course, Kihyun froze at that.

“I can delete it afterwards if you want me to,” said Hoseok, trying to sound laid-back.

“'S alright.”

Sleepy still, Kihyun reached for his phone. He told Hoseok his number, saving his in turn. Hoseok did his best not to light up as a lightbulb.

“What should I put as your contact name? Husband?” Hoseok joked.

Kihyun was not to be swayed by silliness today. “You do that.”

“You gonna save me like that, too?”

“Well, it should match, right?”

By the time Kihyun got ready to leave, the sleeping trio lumbered out of the trailer, yawning and demanding breakfast. Kihyun sent them all packing to Hyunwoo's van to scavenge for something edible, more waspish than usual. He wasn't as waspish as to forego a parting kiss with Hoseok, though. Thanks to Hoseok, they kissed for so long that Minhyuk threw in some jab about Kihyun leaving for war, and then Kihyun was gone and so were the guys.

Knowing there would be no small Kihyuns to brighten his morning, he moped.

The air grew balmy soon. Hoseok stopped by the tent, finding two slept-in sleeping bags, but nothing else. He got changed before setting off again, folding the hoodie and laying in on top of his pillow.

He found Changkyun at Jooheon's. The squad was feasting on some cold leftovers from the night before and welcomed Hoseok like a long lost brother. From the conversation he understood right away they were ready to leave in the evening. Most of them planned to pull an all-dayer, cramming as many concerts from as many venues into those quickly fading hours.

It seemed that Changkyun had the same plan, but only because he wouldn't be torn away from Seulgi, who looked particularly chirpy and fond of the fawning boy today.

Even after the majority of them had left, Hoseok stayed seated in the shade. Gunhee was sitting next to him, “too sober to go anywhere,” giving himself a tattoo. While at it, he took swigs of warm beer which he shared with Hoseok. He was a daredevil, this Gunhee. Hoseok watched him as he added more and more letters over his fingers in deep blue ink, finally forming a sign that read _#gun_.

“You have any?” Gunhee asked, probably sensing his stare.

“Yeah. Three, actually.”

“For real?”

“Yeah. But I can't exactly show you two of them without taking off my pants.”

“Keep your pants on,” Gunhee chuckled. “What kind of tattoos?”

“Mostly quotes.”

“Something motivational?”

“Kinda.” He patted his thigh. “One's right here. _Life is C between B and D._ ”

“The fuck that means?”

“C, as in a choice. B stands for birth...”

“And D for dick.”

“No! For death!”

“I'm just messing with you,” Gunhee grinned. “That's, like, semi-deep.”

“Get out,” said Hoseok, smiling.

He bent down to take off his shoe. Over his foot snaked another tat. It said _Real recognize real fake_. Gunhee's eyes dropped down, but his eyebrows shot up.

“No way?”

Putting down the needle, Gunhee kicked off his shoe and rolled down his sock.

There was the same exact design.

“We got fucking scammed,” Hoseok laughed, not unhappy about it.

“And people ask me why I never go to parlours anymore,” said Gunhee, pissed but amused.

“Is it safe? To tattoo yourself?”

“Yeah. I've done it before, even tattooed some of my friends. No one came back to smack me with a necrotic hand or anything.”

“Yet.”

It was Gunhee's turn to tell him to get out.

“Wanna try it?” he asked after a while. He was just finishing the last letter.

“Maybe?” Hoseok shifted in his chair, thinking. “If it's something tiny...”

“Do you have something in mind?”

He did, actually. He'd always wanted a tattoo of a fish on his finger. While he was a trainee, though, he was forbidden to get any tattoos.

It didn't stop him, of course, but he made sure to choose places where the ink wouldn't be visible.

Now, he was free to do anything.

He told Gunhee.

“A fish?”

“Yeah. I'm a Pisces.”

“Dude. I'd say that's really gay, but so are you, so I guess it's alright.”

“You gonna do it or not?” Hoseok snorted.

“Yeah. Let me clean the needle first.”

Halfway through, he got a text from Kihyun. Using his other hand, he clumsily responded. Kihyun got there within a minute.

“The hell?” he demanded, stopping at the sight.

The hell, indeed. He had Minhyuk's leather jacket on and it suited him all too well.

“Take a seat. This will take a while,” said Gunhee pleasantly as he focused on his masterpiece. “You can thank me later when your man is all dandy.”

“Hoseok, I left you alone for two hours.”

He looked up, smiling dumbly. “Two hours is too long. I missed you.”

That took the wind out of Kihyun's sails. He grumbled, and drank the rest of the warm beer Hoseok was holding, and then carefully sat on top of Hoseok's thigh. He leaned over, scrutinizing Gunhee's work.

“A fish?”

He said it in the same tone as Gunhee.

“It's cute!”

“Is it because you're a Pisces?”

“You got it.”

“You,” muttered Gunhee, the corner of his mouth turned upwards, eyes trained on the bluish patch of Hoseok's skin, “are gross.”

“Yes, we are,” Hoseok agreed proudly.

“But it's still me who's got the same tattoo as you.” Mischief was dancing all over the line of his mouth. “You guys should step up your game.”

“What? You got matching tattoos?” Kihyun gaped. “When?”

“Wouldn't you like to know?” Gunhee smiled his most innocent smile.

Hoseok embraced Kihyun when he felt him go rigid. His brows drawn, Kihyun observed as Gunhee finished off the tail. He was so intent on watching he didn't even notice when Hoseok rested his chin on his shoulder and nudged at him. As if fascinated by the simplistic picture, he followed Gunhee's movements, flinching when Hoseok did after some alcohol was poured over the now sore spot. At last, Kihyun said:

“Give me one, too.”

“You sure?” Gunhee glanced up. Something in his voice clearly implied he didn't think Kihyun would actually say yes.

But oh, he did.

“I should just start charging y'all,” said Gunhee, sanitizing the needle for the third time that day. “So what do you want?”

Kihyun looked him dead in the eyes.

“This.”

“You _sure_?”

“Yes.”

“You want it in the same spot, too?”

He didn't even pause to consider that.

“Yeah, why not.”

It was too much for Hoseok.

“Kihyun, don't.”

For a brief moment, Kihyun didn't say anything.

“I told you I liked sharks. But those are too big to fit anywhere on my midget body, so. This is actually perfect.”

“Kihyun, you will regret this.” The worst thing was, Hoseok truly believed he would. Damn, the guy jumped when you said the word future in front of him. Even exchanging numbers made him fidgety at first. “You'll look at it later and you'll hate it.”

“I won't. You said it yourself. It's cute.” Stroking the part of his finger the tattoo was supposed to fit on, Kihyun declared: “I'm getting it for me.”

No one said anything after that, only Hoseok tried to get him to change his mind about the placement.

“How can an opera singer have tats all over him?”

“This is hardly _all over_ me, hyung. It's one finger.”

“At least get it behind your ear or something!”

“I can always cover it with a ring,” Kihyun brushed him off. “And anyway. In Europe? I don't think they care.”

“It's gonna hurt, though.”

“Really? Stabbing my skin with a sharp needle? I wouldn't have guessed.”

Hoseok breathed out, too worn and anxious to fight him.

He went limp under Kihyun. It made him sorry, the idea that one day Kihyun would wake up and say to himself: What was I thinking?

“It's like the two of you are married and on the verge of a break-up at the same time,” commented Gunhee, obviously done with the both of them. “Are we doing it or not?”

“Yeah. Go on,” said Kihyun, so stubborn he could've stared down the sun if he tried. He held out his hand.

Considering he'd never had any tattoos done, Kihyun was holding up quite well. He did crumple his face a lot, but that was it. Once or twice, Hoseok could see him bare his teeth the tiniest bit when Gunhee dotted at a particularly sensitive part of his finger. By that time, Hoseok was hugging him with both arms, trying to soothe him with whispers breathed out into his neck.

It was obvious that Kihyun was relieved when the ordeal was over; but he was _glad_. He looked at the tiny inky fish with something akin to awe.

Gunhee took them both by the wrist and turned their palms down, appraising his work. When he basked enough, he let go of them and stood up, going to look for some more beer.

Their arms stayed floating next to each other for a while, fingers outstretched. Kihyun moved his hand closer to Hoseok's, comparing the design. Shifting under him slightly, Hoseok bent forward, leaning into Kihyun's back, and he made their fingers link.

Kihyun looked behind his shoulder. His lips were raw from worrying at them.

Unsure, Hoseok put up his face to be kissed.

Kihyun didn't even hesitate.

They kissed slower than usual.

 

~

 

The day passed all too fast. He ate two more dishes that Kihyun prepared, forewent seeing the remainder of the bands to be with him and, when Minhyuk and Hyungwon left in the evening, he spread his thighs once more to be eaten whole. They didn't fuck. Perhaps that was the one boundary Kihyun wouldn't give up. Perhaps that would truly be too much.

Later, they lied undressed together on Kihyun's bunk, their minds and cocks spent. Hoseok got playful and talkative soon after. Kihyun, though, stayed silent for longer and longer intervals until he barely said anything at all. He watched Hoseok through his tired eyes, drinking him in.

“What is it?” said Hoseok at last, dragging a palm over Kihyun's side. “Don't feel like talking?”

“I guess.”

Hoseok hummed. He, on the other hand, was _overflowing_. And of course he was. They would both leave tomorrow. This was their last night; their last hours. He was happy for now. Happy to see the tattoo on Kihyun's finger which appeared almost indigo-coloured in the dim light of the trailer. He was happy to be watched, to be listened to. Happy to be here.

“Hold up,” he said, rummaging for his phone.

 

_H:_

_Is this better?_

 

Kihyun's phone beeped.

Giving him a glance before unlocking the screen, Kihyun read the message.

 

_K:_

_Yes, actually._

 

_H:_

_What's up?_

 

_K:_

_I don't even know. I guess I'm being sappy._

 

_H:_

_Please, be sappy with me._

 

_K:_

_I already am. Too much._

 

_H:_

_No, you're corny and cocky._

 

_K:_

_That's to hide my sappiness._

_And anyway, so are you._

 

_H:_

_Boy, you haven't seen me be corny yet._

 

_K:_

_I think I have._

 

_H:_

_Really?_

_You have a big storm coming, then._

 

_K:_

_Do I now?_

_Do you have anything cornier in store than “sit on my lap, daddy?”_

 

_H:_

_That was!!!_

_One time!!!_

_And you did. Sit on my lap, I mean._

_Today._

_It was amazing._

_Do it again._

 

He heard Kihyun chuckle.

 

_K:_

_Sit on my face first._

 

_H:_

_!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

_Will you stop playing with my heart._

 

_K:_

_Lmao._

 

_H:_

_Anyways, we just moved from the “corny” territory to “cringy.”_

 

_K:_

_Am I that bad?_

 

_H:_

_Yes._

_But I can be worse._

 

_K:_

_How so?_

 

_H:_

_I prepared a joke for you._

_An opera joke._

_Wanna hear it?_

 

_K:_

_No._

_But do I even have a say?_

 

_H:_

_: >_

_You don't._

 

_K:_

_Go on, then._

 

Giggling, Hoseok wrote:

 

_H:_

_Why did the soprano get arrested?_

 

_K:_

_Is it perhaps because she was in treble?_

 

His face fell.

 

_H:_

_You're no fun._

 

_K:_

_Ok, hit me with another one. I swear I won't ruin it this time._

 

That perked Hoseok up. Googling furiously, he came up with another, possibly even worse joke.

 

_H:_

_Why did Handel shop at GoodWill?_

 

He watched the three dots run wildly, and then there was a reply.

 

_K:_

_I actually don't know this one._

 

_H:_

_Because he was baroque._

 

There was silence.

 

_K:_

_Make me unread this_ .

 

Laughing and triumphant, Hoseok turned to him.

He found out Kihyun had been looking at him the whole time.

He faltered under the gaze.

“What is it?”

“I don't know.”

For a second, he hesitated whether to say it, but he did.

“I'm still here.”

Kihyun closed his eyes at this. He rolled on his back, quiet.

Putting his phone down, Hoseok propelled himself on his elbow beside him, lightly touching his shoulder. His eyelids fluttered and then Kihyun looked up. He buried his hands into Hoseok's hair, bringing him down into a tight hug. Neither of them moved for what felt like ages and barely a minute.

He could choke anyone who invented time.

He could burn borders down and make the two continents one.

He could lie here forever and grow old and turn to dust.

Realistically, Hoseok couldn't do shit. He couldn't even tell him he loved him.

Kihyun fancied him, yes. But fancy and love are like a drop and the ocean. He could never fall this hard. He was a planner.

So Hoseok held his tongue, sighing as Kihyun trailed wet pecks alongside the curved outline of his ear.

 

~

 

The morning was rushed.

Sleeping through the alarm, Hoseok woke up to a very disgruntled Kihyun.

Hoseok's train was leaving in less than forty minutes.

Sacrificing the morning shower, he brushed his teeth at the sink in the kitchenette as Kihyun did the same. He changed into the clothes he'd worn the day before, grabbed his phone and crammed it into his back pocket. Pausing in his hurry, he stood behind Kihyun who was putting on a clean tee and laid a kiss on the nape of his neck.

“Are you going to walk me to the station?”

“Of fucking course. What did you think?”

“Alright.” He sniffed Kihyun's hair a little before letting go. “I'll be back in a few.”

As always, the sun shone high and golden. Hoseok barged inside the tent, waking Changkyun up in a not-so-gentle manner. He was glad no one was occupying his sleeping bag anymore except for the folded hoodie he had left there the previous morning. Throwing the rest of their stuff  _and_ Changkyun outside, he laid the hoodie carefully on his rucksack and started to take the tent down. He may have forgotten one or two of the pegs buried somewhere in the ground, but he managed to disassemble the thing in time, shoving the rolled up canvas into a sack.

With a yawning Changkyun in tow, Hoseok headed back to the trailer. Minhyuk and Hyungwon had left the warmth of their beds to bid them goodbye, which was touching, really, even though Minhyuk disappeared right back after a “so long, suckers,” slamming the door shut behind him.

“Maybe we'll see each other the next year?” said Hyungwon, sleepier but mellower.

“I sure hope so,” said Hoseok.

Then it was only ten more minutes before they had to board and, taking Kihyun's hand, Hoseok set off. Changkyun walked beside them, a little awkward, but there wasn't any reason to be. He wasn't intruding on anything. Neither of the boys spoke although Hoseok's throat grew tighter and tighter as the silence thickened.

Smelling of metal and fuming, the train was already there when they arrived. Changkyun was all too happy to get in, waiting for Hoseok in the cramped corridor.

He turned to Kihyun.

His mouth went dry and palms clammy. Sucking in a breath, he wanted to say something – anything – all the things he hadn't said.

Instead, he settled for a whisper.

“I'm really glad I met you.”

“So am I. Even though it fucked me up.”

Hoseok ached.

Glancing briefly over his shoulder to look at the whistling conductress, Hoseok grew restless. He crushed Kihyun close. He was too weak to kiss him, too weak be kissed, but as they parted, he took hold of Kihyun's hand and touched the inky fish on his ring finger with his mouth.

The train was about to depart. Hoseok hopped on, giving Changkyun an apologetic look.

The door closed. Hoseok ran into the nearest coupé, which was already occupied and packed to the rafters. Jumping over everyone's outstretched legs, Hoseok made his way to the window and opened it wide.

Kihyun was still standing there, holding the returned hoodie.

Over the screech of the leaving train, Hoseok called out to him:

“I will find you!”

Kihyun's gaze shot up, landing on Hoseok's face. The distance between them was getting bigger and Kihyun took a few steps, slow ones and first, and then quick ones, and then he stopped. He shook his head.

In the noise, Hoseok noticed he was saying something, but whatever it was, it was unintelligible.

Gripping the handles, Hoseok leaned out of the window.

That was when he heard him.

“I will find _you_.”

 


End file.
